The simple things....

Ok, so tonight I realized how much I miss doing the simple things. I wanted to have a piece of cheesecake and I wanted to warm up the jar of fudge I have in the fridge, to drizzle on top. I cut the pie, and went to open the jar. I tried and tried and tried, and the more I tried to open the jar the weaker I got and finally I just gave up. It was so sad. Like dangling a delicious carrot and never giving it to the horse.
This is not the first time something like this has happened. Happens frequently with jars, and a week or so ago my daughter was crying for a bottle and I couldn't open the bottle to refill the milk. She cried and cried and ended up crying herself to sleep and all because I couldn't do the simple act of opening her bottle to refill it.
The more I try and the weaker I get..... then my hand will sometimes lock in the position of trying to open something and the fingers will get all scrunched up and I have to stick my hand in ice to try and loosen things up.

So anyways, the point of this post is to remind myself and everyone not to forget about the little things. Sure there are things we all take for granted like opening a jar, or buttoning a button. But there are other things that we need to remember to find joy in.
A child's smile or laugh.
The sweet "I love you" from someone special.
A beautiful sunset.
A star filled sky
Time spent with a good friend.
Disposable diapers instead of cloth.
A washing machine.
A microwave.
The minivan.
The smell of an old bookstore.
A hot bubble bath.
Baking on a stormy day.
Letters to Santa.
Answered prayers & unanswered prayers.

These are a few of my favorite things. :-)

Never forget to be grateful for the small things. Find joy life a small child does. They find joy in the smallest most simplest things. A balloon, a sticker, a Christmas tree, dancing to music, reading a story, a yummy treat, taking a trip, a puppy. Such small simple things, and so much joy they find. We can do that too if we take a step back from the busy day to day and count all our many blessings, and see God's hands in the simple things in life.

Merry Christmas!

Procedure

I went into the doctor early this morning. They were able to get me in early for the ultrasound. They saw "residual tissue" from the fetus. They thought I had been about 12 weeks along. They were concerned that it had been so long since the miscarriage and worried about infection. They went ahead and put me in another room... since I had driven myself and didn't have anyone with me they were unable to "put me out"... they just numbed the cervical area and gave me a shot of something to relax me. It went pretty quickly. They gave me a few minutes to feel comfortable driving and to stop crying. It seemed so simple and so easy and so routine for everyone around me.... for me.... it was awful. It was the most awful thing to know they were removing the rest of my baby. There aren't' words to express how difficult this morning was. I feel numb and guilty and depressed and sick and yet I know that I should feel grateful and feel blessed and I am those things.... I didn't have to terminate the pregnancy but still.... it's just really hard. Really confusing. It just feels so wrong.
When I got home I couldn't' stop crying no matter how hard I tried, and my sweet baby girl (Emma) came over and gave me a big hug and stroked my hair and kept saying "it's ok momma. it's ok." and I knew that she learned that from me because whenever she is hurt I hold her and stroke her hair and say "it's ok sweet girl, it's ok." Then my sweet boy pushed a chair over to where we keep the tissues and climbed up to get one. 'he brought it over to me and kissed my cheek and wiped my tears with a tissue. Hailey kept smiling at me and came to sit in my lap and cuddle. I have such amazing children. They are so special to me and I am so grateful that they have learned such sweetness. It reminds me that they pick up all our behaviors and that we need to be careful of our bad behaviors cause they will pick that up too.
I know that the baby I lost would have been just as amazing as my current children. Someday I will have the chance to raise him or her and to witness his or her special nature. I will look forward to that day and cherish everyday spent with the children here with me now.

Loss....

I debated on if I wanted to put this on the blog or keep it to myself. I'm still not sure, but this blog has been somewhat of a journal for me and although some of the things I have written have been very personal to me, many people have told me that some of the more personal things I've written have helped them through difficult times in their life. So hopefully writing this all out will be therapeutic and maybe help someone else.

For a couple weeks now I have been sick to my stomach and vomiting throughout the day on and off. I have had sore breasts, weight gain, etc. My weight gain was all in my lower stomach and breasts. I started wearing my maternity pants cause it's all that fit. I didn't know what was going on, but I had an IUD so pregnancy never even entered my head. I had accepted awhile back that I would never be able to have that 4th child that I so desperately wanted.

I was told when I started the chemo and the IV treatments that I could NOT get pregnant while on those meds and because I had erosion's covering my spine, if I were to go off of the treatments the erosion's could take over and I could end up paralyzed before the pregnancy was over. So I accepted that I could never have more children and had moved past it.

This last week I went into the doctor cause Adam said my IUD felt like it had been out of place for awhile and at this point you couldn't deny my stomach. It was fairly clear that I was pregnant.

My doctor did an exam and said that by the feel of where my uterus was in my stomach and the softness of my cervix that she was pretty sure I was probably towards the end of my first trimester.

I was shocked. This meant that I had been doing chemo and IV treatments for weeks while pregnant.

Then I was reminded that I couldn't have more children. I couldn't be pregnant. That's when my doctor told me that it was my chance to take, but that she had been with me through all 3 pregnancies and that the children I currently had needed me and that she truly felt that the best choice was to terminate the pregnancy. I think that those words were probably the most awful most heart wrenching words I had ever heard. The idea of basically killing my child... but my doctor was right. There was about a 60% chance that I could lose my life or be paralyzed and a 80-90% chance that the baby would be still born or severally deformed and unimaginable health problems that would cause the quality of life to be very poor. But still.... having to make the choice to terminate my child's life when I was already so far along... lets just say I cried for days. The pain of this decision was killing me and knowing that there was a child growing inside of me was causing me to become more attached no matter how hard I tried to stay unattached--- I could see my stomach growing and I knew every stage of pregnancy from my last 3, so I knew that my baby could already hear me, and that he or she already had a heart beat. I could already feel those little popping bubbles that is actually the little ones beginning kicks. I was growing very attached very quickly. Adam and I picked out a name for our 4th child long ago so this baby was very real to me. I knew it couldn't end well, but still I was praying for some kind of miracle.

I have been very confused.

Last night before I went to bed (sunday) I started spotting. I didn't know what was happening so I said a prayer that whatever happened that it would be God's will.

When I woke up I was covered in blood. Throughout the day the cramping and the bleeding and the clotting got more intense. I called my doctor and she explained that I was having a miscarriage and to just let nature take it's course and to go in to see her in the next couple of days to see if I need to have a d&c.

By about 2pm it was over. There is still dull cramping, soreness and I'm very weak from all the blood loss and all the crying, but the bleeding has stopped and my baby has gone back to live with Heavenly Father.

It has been very confusing. I'm not sure exactly how to feel. I know that it's for the best. I know that this was God's way of working everything out. In a way it's a blessing. But it's still really hard. I still really wanted to hold that child in my arms and love him or her for all of eternity.

Adam came home right away and was amazing. He let me cry and cry and cry and he just held me. Then he said something that gave me great comfort. He said that in our church we are told that a child has a body and a spirit from the time of conception. That a child that is not able to live out it's life here on Earth was just too perfect to be here and needed to return to Heavenly Father. Also, that one day we will get a chance to raise our children after the second coming of Christ. I thought that was so beautiful and so comforting.

This has still been very difficult and I'm still very sore and drained. Emotionally, I am still confused on how to feel exactly. I just know I'm sad and angry at this disease for preventing me from bringing this child into the world and also I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I was going to have to terminate the pregnancy. I feel guilty for feeling sad that I lost the baby. I don't feel like I have the right to feel sad with the decision I was about to make. It's just a very very confusing time and a very hard time.

I do know that I will be ok. I know that my body will heal from this, that my heart will heal too. I will always hold a place for that little baby in my heart and someday I will be able to hold him or her in my arms and welcome them into the family.

For now I will take comfort in knowing that he or she is in a better place and I will cherish every moment with the children I have here with me now.

A blessing....

Today I was talking to my friend who mentioned what a blessing her patriarchal blessing was and how there were things she didn't understand at the time that now make so much sense. I had not looked at my patriarchal blessing in a long time so I sat down to read it again. I immediately broke down in tears. There were things I read that I felt like I was reading for the first time. Several different paragraphs and different topics had not made a lot of sense before and I just looked them over and now reading through it I can see that I am currently living several of the things it talks about in my blessing.

For those of you reading this and saying "what is a patriarchal blessing?" this is the definition I found on the LDS.org website: "Patriarchal blessings contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection."

It's so amazing and such a testimony builder for me because I had my blessing when I was 16 or 17 and at the time a lot of it did not register or didn't pertain to my current life (at the time). Now as I read it there were things there that felt like it was a blessing from my Heavenly Father to pertain with the struggles I am currently going through. For those out there that think it was just the man giving me the blessing talking and that it wasn't from my Father in Heaven.... that just can't be true. Only my Father in Heaven could have said those words and known how my life would be 10 years later and the struggles I would be going through at this point in my life and give me guidance and advice on the things that could give me comfort and help. What a testimony builder for me.

I am so grateful to be a part of this amazing religion and I am continually amazed at the blessings that come into my life as a result of my beliefs and my lifestyle. I feel the spirit constantly reassuring me through different experiences in my life and today, the fact that my friend thought to bring it up and I felt prompted to go back and read my own ... those things are not coincidences. I have been struggling with different things lately and to find things in that blessing that I had never noticed before and that gave me SO much comfort... I am just so blessed.

For those of you that have your patriarchal blessings collecting dust somewhere, I encourage you to get them out and read through them. You never know when certain words from your Heavenly Father were meant for what part of your life.

Those moments that make you laugh... kind of...

So today was my chemo day. It's never fun, but for whatever reason I was throwing up a great deal today. I was upstairs putting my kids to bed and folding laundry when a wave of nausea hit me. My toilets plumbing upstairs is having some trouble so I ran down stairs as fast I could to the guest bathroom.

My husband saw me run downstairs and he came running in to make sure I was ok. First off, I hate it when people watch me throw up, but I knew he wanted to help so I didn't say anything. Then question after question comes. "Are you ok honey?" "What can I do?" "Do you want me to hold your hair back?" "Do you need 7up and crackers?" and so on and so on. The questions kept coming and I'm trying me best to answer them through the heaving. After like the 10th question I said "Honey! I love you so much, but if you ask me another question that I have to answer while I'm trying to throw up ...." and then another wave of heaving. haha! Poor guy. He means well, but I was laughing in my head thinking "who sits there and asks questions to a person with vomit flowing out" (sorry for the graphicness, but there is no way to sugar coat what was going on today).

Anyways, I just had to share. It was funny and annoying and i love the guy for trying and being worried about me. lol.

Time Out For Women 2011!

The last few years my mom, aunt, good friend, mother in law and myself have gone to the Time Out For Women (TOFW.com). It's the most wonderful womens conference. So uplifting! The speakers, the music... they are truly inspired.

I love to take notes so that I can look back and remember the feelings that I had that made me laugh, cry, reflect and learn. I thought I would share a few with everyone.

First off, the singers were incredible! Music is always something that has gotten me through difficult times. I got to hear music by Macy Robinson (amazing!) and Hilary Weeks. Hilary Weeks has been my favorite Christian singer for as long as I can remember. She is amazing and the music that she writes is even more amazing. I HIGHLY recommend taking a few minutes to watch her new music video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk) called Beautiful Heartbreak. All the people featured in the video are real people. I've followed their stories over the years and they are also amazing people if you get the chance to read more about them.

The speakers that we heard were: Laurel Christensen, Brad Wilcox, Mary Ellen Edmunds, Linda Eyre & Shawni Pothier, D. Kelly Ogden, Matt Baldwin and my personal favorite Kris Belcher.

Kris Belcher is a beautiful accomplished humorous woman that has been to hell and back and has come out the other side to share her experiences and teach others what she has learned. If you ever get a chance to hear her speak or read her books PLEASE do it. You won't regret it. When she was 7 months old she was diagnosed with cancer in her retinas. She went through radiation at 7 months old! It saved her sight and her life but many years later (just 8 years ago) the radiation she had gone through as an infant caused more cancer. They had to remove her eye and she completely lost sight in the other. She was on the verge of death and after what she went through she wished she was dead for a long time. Now when she gets up on stage to talk she cracks jokes and then suddenly the spirit just fills the room with her words of inspiration and teaching. I know that we are not suppose to compare out trials with anyone elses but boy... when you hear about the things that she has been through in her life, or the people featured in Hilary Weeks video... it certainly makes my trials feel very small and puts it all into perspective.

So I just jotted down a few things here and there. Some quotes or things that felt important to me. Here are a few of them:
-Do the thing you think you can not do."
-Don't you dare be the one thing standing in your own way.
-Beware of the temptation to retreat from a good thing.
-Jesus chose to become like us, so we could choose to become like him.
-A God that requires nothing of us, makes nothing of us.
-Your children listen. They may not always obey, but they always listen. So be careful what you do and say.
-You're never alone. You may at times abandon Him, but He never abandons us.
-Look for holiness in the imperfect moments.
-Remember who your children really are.
-God must think a lot of you to have sent you a child that is hard to raise and takes extra effort. (I really liked this one. I talk to some people who act like raising kids is so effortless and doesn't know why people complain and I love this quote cause now I can say (or think- cause it would probably be rude to say) "God must not think much of you to have given you such an easy child. Didn't think you could handle anything else." haha!
-Let your children hear you say how much you love the Savior and Heavenly Father.
-You have to look up! That's where He is.
-Focusing on darkness will not get us to the light.

So those are the things I wrote down. If you have never attending a TOFW... go next year! It's worth it!

A new friend....

So it's been FOREVER since I posted to the blog. The spinal epidural procedure they did went well. It has helped the pain a little in my knees and my lower back. It's not a substantial enough change to have changed my life or anything, but every little bit helps. So there is my quick update on my health. Not much has changed. I do have something new that has happened for me though...

So this disease I have typically only effects people with a skin thing called psoriasis and of the percentage with psoriasis, the arthritis only affects about 5%. So very few people suffer with this. I never thought I would ever actually meet someone else with this disease. Then I was at church this past Sunday and my relief society president and friend introduced me to a woman that was new to our ward who has the same psoriatic arthritis that I do! We sat and talked for about 2 1/2 hours. We were instant friends. I could see her becoming a best friend... a life long best friend. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders in having someone to talk to that truly understand every aspect, physical and emotional, of this disease and share what we are going through together as mothers and wives... it was just incredible. It probably seems silly to blog about making a new friend... but the experience was very special to me. Having someone to share all this with that can understand on a level so different than anyone else in my life. It was really cool and continues to be as we get to know each other better.

I am so grateful to all the friends and family that have supported me and cared about me and continue to do so everyday. I have been so blessed with a loving family and loving friends to help me get through this difficult time as I learn to adjust my life to live with this disease for the rest of my life. My future plans have to change, everything takes more preparation, I go to the doctor more in the last year than I have been in my entire life... I want so badly to take my kids to disneyland for the first time this next year and all I can think is "how am I going to walk around that place all day and stand in lines?" It's something I'm honestly not sure I can do, but I have to be able to because I can't let this affect my kids and change the wonderful experiences that they should be able to have as children.

Anyways, those are just some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head the last few days.

Again, I am so grateful to all of you that have been there for me and continue to be there for me. I am so blessed and so lucky.

And to my new friend... you're awesome! I'm feel so lucky that we have come into each others lives when we needed it most! :-)

Picture that made me cry...

Michael and Emma go to preschool on Tuesday and Thursday each week. Since we have to get going pretty early and I have 3 little ones to get dressed, fed and ready for the day, I pack their backpacks the night before, lay their clothes out and make Michael's lunch (they do provide lunch there but Michael is so picky that I have to make his lunch).

Usually I just fold their clothes so I've never laid them out this way before but tonight I decided that I wanted to see how the outfits looked cause I knew it would be cold tomorrow. Anyways, I stood up and saw these 3 perfect little outfits laid out in order and just seeing the sizes and how close they are and just how perfect. I don't know why, but something about that image just brought tears of joy, pride, and love to my eyes and heart. I had to share. :-)

Kirby Salesman

So today I had an interesting experience. I had a door to door salesman for the Kirby vacuum/carpet cleaner come to the door and offer to give me one room free carpet cleaning to show me the product. I needed to get my front room cleaned anyways so I said "sure".

The guy comes in and gets started showing me everything. It was a good product and it worked and I was impressed but it was VERY expensive.

So I called Adam to see what he thought and we agreed it was just too much right now with Christmas coming up and we just had to drop 2000 on our van cause our AC gave out and we're hoping to get the kids a new puppy for christmas.

That's when the true colors of the salesman came out. Now, I've worked in sales my whole life. One of the main rules is that you NEVER burn the bridge. Even if the customer says "no" the first time, that doesn't mean you haven't planted the seed of a good product and that the person will not say "yes" a few months down the road. This guy apparently did not get that memo of how to treat a customer or future costumer.

He started out by asking me if I was LDS. I said "yes, how did you know." and he said "it's a feeling you get when you walk into a home." and I said "well thank you, I take that as a compliment" (I have had many repair guys in the house and I have heard that almost every time. They say that LDS homes have a level of peace they don't feel other places.) and the guy says "you can take it however you want. another way to know an LDS person is because they are not willing to finance anything." and I said "ya, that's probably true, but Mormons are taught to have zero debt, to have money put away for a rainy day and food storage in case of job loss or natural disaster, etc". (Mormons are in no way perfect and there are I'm sure many LDS people that do have debt and don't have money or food storage but it is what we are taught and asked to do so most LDS people do strive to do those things just as I'm sure a lot of non-LDS people do. I know I have a cousin that is not LDS that has zero debt and money put away for a rainy day) He made one of those rude snorting laughs and said "ya, you're prepared for everything except the kirby salesman." and I said "We save our rainy day money for important things like if my husband were to lose his job or we had an emergency medical thing or home repair or our recent AC going out in the mini van. But no, we don't conside the kirby salesmans vacuum to be an emergency need" He then did another snorted laugh.

He made a few more comments about my religion as he packed up to leave. Then as he walks out the door (I'm still trying to be nice but firm) and I said "good luck with your future sales but I will not be wanting to buy your product at any point in the future." and he said "Well, I'm sure the next person will buy the product and hopefully their home will be cleaner too."

That pissed me off!!! If you know me you know that I am a tad bit OCD about my house. Granted I have 3 kids and my house is not perfect but I keep it pretty darn clean so what he said was totally wrong not to mention totally uncalled for! I mean seriously!

So anyways, there is my experience with the kirby salesman. I immediately contacted the company and complained. Such a jerk!

Being Tested.....

Here is a picture the difference between a healthy muscle and a muscle affected by psoriatic arthritis. On my personal MRI's you can actually see the black dots all over my spine, knees, feet and hands. Nasty I know...

Well, I'm certainly being tested in patience and faith. My last labs showed that my inflammation had increased and not decreased with the treatments. So they are going to increase the dose I take for my chemo and the IV treatment and will probably put the IV treatments closer together.

Since the radio frequency ablations didn't work as well as they had hoped we are now going to do epidurals on my lower spine, medial branch blocks on my middle back and injections into my neck, plus chiropractic work regularly. At least once a week. My poor chiropractor. I go in once a week and every week pretty much every muscle that can be popped out of place is. My muscles are just so week that i can't hold things into place. She spends and house just popping me back into place. She has to pop my hips in several different areas, my neck, my spine, it's nasty and freaks me out but it helps so I keep going back.

I know that something is going to work and help me. I REALLY believe that. I feel blessed that my MRI shows that something is actually wrong. I was watching dr oz and it was about chronic pain in people and so many of those people have nothing that shows up on any tests but they are in horrible pain 24/7. I could relate so much to each of the people on the show. Once woman describes how she has to get up early to make sure she has enough time for her pain medicine to work. I set my alarm for an hour before my kids will get up for the same reason. I can't get them ready for school in the morning until the medicine kicks in. Then there was another who said she was not the mother she had envisioned herself to be. I wanted to much to be an active fun mom that was always running and playing. I use to be that way, and I hope to be again, and every now and again I am able to but mostly I'm just not the mom I want to be. Another woman went through 1o doctors who told her she was just depressed or it was all in her head. I went through 8 that told me I was just having depression cause I had just given birth to my daughter. so many people don't believe you and if they can't find the answer they just say it's in your head. They either think you're just over reacting or that you're trying to score drugs. Dr. Oz touched on all those things. It's sad how many people suffer and no one pays attention to them.

Maybe someday I can be a spokesperson/advocate for pain management. That would be cool. :-)

Humbling myself enough to pray...

As I have struggled over the past year and a half with this disease... well it's been difficult. There has been a lot of bad, and a lot of learning. So much learning. I believe strongly that all of our trials come to us to help us learn or to help humble us. I believe this disease was given to me for the same reason. I've learned a lot and humbled myself in many ways since this all started. However, i think I've relied too much on medical practice. I believe medical practice is guided by God's hand but it can't be the only thing i rely on through this process.

When I have been given blessings from my husband, bishop, and grandfather throughout this illness they have all said roughly the same thing. When that happens its such a faith builder to know that the blessing is truly my Father-in-Heaven talking to me and not just the person giving me a blessing. The thing that my Father in Heaven always tells me is that I need to humble myself on my knees to pray and ask for help.

It's stupid but when I'm saying prayers with the family or around the dinner table, I always pray for each and every person individually but I never feel comfortable praying for myself. I feel guilty and selfish praying for myself. I think my Heavenly Father is telling me to stop that. He wants us to ask for help for ourselves.

I have been having a flare up and it's been really painful and difficult and this morning I was crying in pain and was just so frustrated that the radio frequency ablation hadn't worked when I had been so sure it would. As I sat there crying the words of all my blessings came flooding back to me. Over and over again I kept remembering "humble yourself enough to get on your knees and ask for help." It took a moment for me to do it but I dropped to my knees and I started to pray. I prayed hard and I begged for help in taking my pain away. I didn't ask for a cure or for it to be gone forever. I just asked for the strength to get through it and to lessen it enough that I could get through the day. And if I need to drop to my knees and humble myself enough to ask for help EVERYDAY then that is exactly what I should be doing. It's what my Heavenly Father asked me to do.

The moment I said "amen" my little boy came in the room and asked me why I was crying. I told him in children's terms that Heavenly Father asked mommy to ask him for help when I needed it and that I hadn't been doing what he asked, but that I was doing it now and that it was happy tears. He gave me a hug and said "did it work mommy? Did Heavenly Father help you?" and in that moment I realized that I wasn't hunched over anymore. I had not taken any pain medicine in several hours so I knew it wasn't that. But suddenly in that moment of asking for help to when my son came in the room.....the pain was gone. It didn't stay gone....but I got through the day. It was lessened enough that I was able to get things done, play with my kids, and actually enjoy the day.

I have such a strong testimony of the power of the priesthood and the gift that has been given to us to be able to receive blessings of healing and comfort. I have a testimony of the power of prayer. That if we can just humble ourselves before our father and ask for the things that we need in humility that he will bless us with those things that we need. That he will never give us more than we can handle. That if he gives us a trial that he will deliver us through it and that we have to stop thinking that we need to do everything by ourselves. He is there to walk with us, to hold us up and when we need it...he is there to carry us through it.

You better believe that I will never forget to say my prayers and ask for help when I need it again.

Why I had 3 kids so close together.....

Sometimes I meet people that think I'm nuts or "wrong" for having 3 kids so close together. I've met people that think it's selfish, and others that think it's unfair and just plain wrong. . .

I was watching this commercial today of this family that all comes together of all different ages. The parents were older (grandparents), all their children grown (4) and their husbands or wives, as well as their children, came to this beach house for a family reunion. They looked so happy and they had all their cousins there to play with. It was awesome. That's what I hope my future looks like.

For the people that think I'm nuts for having my children so close together, or who think I'm selfish... i have to ask them... wouldn't it be selfish to not give them each other? To not give my future grandbabies their cousins? When Adam and I are gone my children will not be alone. They will ALWAYS have each other, and having a sibling is different than having distant relatives. My kids LOVE each other to pieces. Sure they fight like siblings do but when it comes right down to it, when things get tough they are the first ones there to take care of each other. Not a friend down the street that they see once a week for a play date, but the best friend they have under the same roof. They have that closeness because they are close in age and they relate to all the same things. Unless you have kids close together in age or have a few of them, you cant imagine the closeness and love that siblings have for one another. They respect each other, they take care of each other, they look out for each other, they are each others best friends always. They are not a friend that may come and go from their lives, they are forever.

Adam caught a cold at work, and despite our efforts the kids caught it. They would lay together on the couch stuffed under a big blanket with their tissues watching movies together. Michael would start coughing and Emma would take Michael's hand and say "it's ok brother, it's ok". Michael helps me tuck Emma into bed every night. He loves to read her a story. We take turns. He reads to her and then I read to her. He sings a song and I sing a song. He helps her say prayers. Then we both give her a kiss on her forehead before we leave the room. I'm pretty positive that Emma would be thrilled to have her big brother put her to bed and totally ignore me being there. haha. I'm totally fine with her feeling that way though. They love each other and that's beautiful.

Don't think Hailey is left out. Far from it. She ADORES her big brother and sister. She follows them around and mimics everything they do. Often times I find them all 3 playing together and I'll say "can mommy play"? and they say "no mommy, this is just for brother and sisters." Emma loves to put Hailey to bed. Emma calls herself a "little mommy". She always wants to take over feeding Hailey her dinner. Michael is always giving Hailey kisses and running to find her favorite puppy stuffed animal when she is sad.

So anyways... for those that think having my 3 beautiful children so close together was selfish or having 3 of them was too many and was wrong.... well all I can say is that those people are wrong. And judging me for having such an amazing family that loves each other and counts on each other and needs each other and is perfect together .... then perhaps those people should look internally at themselves and realize just how "wrong" THEY are.

Feeling a little let down....

So this Friday I have my followup appointment with the doctor. My RF should be at its max pain relief that it's going to work by now. I feel let down cause I'm still in constant pain. I would say that since my procedure probably has had 50% improvement in my hand pain and about 80% in my knees and feet. I am so grateful for that but I had really been hoping the pain in my back would get better but instead there is really no difference in my back. It's disappointing because my back has held the majority of my pain and still does. It's nearly debilitating if I'm being honest. Most nights I can't sleep more than an hour or two because the pain is too much and most days I have a hard time moving much at all.

I try hard to stay positive most of the time but sometimes when I feel like this its difficult. I need to try and get back to my happy place. :-P

September 12, 2011

It's been awhile since I've updated the blog. Procedure number 2 went well too. It takes about 4 weeks to fully work and its only been about a week since the last procedure. I'm still waiting for relief from the pain but I'm optimistic that it will work.
It's chemo day today. It stinks. I won't lie. I'm sick to my stomach and the pain always gets worse on these days. Adam came home early from work and let me sleep for over 4 hours while he took care of the kids. That's always really helpful and he does it every Monday. So there is the update on my health. Not real interesting. Not much has changed yet.
My kids are amazing. Emma has been so sweet lately. She is so helpful! She wants to do everything herself. Very independent. She wants to fix her own breakfast, lunch and dinner. She sets the table, she cleans up after herself and if her brother or sister have a spill she is the first one there with a towel to wipe it up. She is right by my side 24/7 helping me. Yesterday she was helping me put Hailey down for bed. She handed Hailey her puppy dog, blanket and binky and said "Love you Hailey, sleep well." Then closed the door. I got down on my knees and gave her a big hug and said "You're such a good big sister sweetie." and she looked at me with those big beautiful eyes and said "no mama. I'm a good mommy." haha. So cute! So I call her 'little mommy' now.
Michael has been doing better with his aggression. He can be so sweet sometimes and at other times he can be so aggressive and mean. I never know what personality is going to come out of him and it can change at the drop of a hat. But lately he has done better. He is playing with his sisters more and being more helpful. He has his moments but I think he is trying and I'm trying to be more patient and understanding of him. At church yesterday he colored a picture with a heart on it and asked his teacher to write "I love you Camryn" on the back. Then he begged me to walk around church until we found this little girl that he is head over heels in love with. She is probably 6 years old and just cute as a button! She is the older sister of one of his play dates. When we found her he gave her the card and she read it and gave him a big hug and said "I love you too Michael." and he just glowed from ear to ear! And ALL day he was talking about his "girlfriend Camryn". haha. I was trying to put him to bed and he kept opening his eyes and said "did you see her long pretty hair mommy. Wasn't is perfect?" and then he would say "what color do you think Camryns eyes are? I think I will have to ask her when I see her again." It was so adorable to see him with his first REAL major crush. He has had a few in his few short years of life but this is the first time he seems to be really in puppy love. Just adorable!
Hailey is truly the most perfect baby in the world. I can't even begin to tell you. She is just ALWAYS happy and smiling. She will only cry when she wants to go to sleep, and it's just to let me know. If she has a dirty diaper she just toddles over and gets a clean one and brings it to me. When she is hungry she goes to the fridge and slaps her little hand on it until I get over there. She picks up her toys, she eats whatever I give her (not picky at all), and she is just always smiling and laughing and dancing. There is not a happier baby girl in all the world.
I feel so incredibly blessed to have the children I have. They are beautiful, healthy, smart, sweet, just all around amazing kids!!!

Procedure #1. . .

So I had the first of two procedures. Luckily, the twilight sleep actually worked this time!!! The doctor was so funny. He came to me and said "alright. First time, I gave you the regular amount of anesthesia and it didn't affect you at all. Second time I gave you almost triple and still... nothing. So this time you're getting some mega drugs....you should feel REAL good by the end of this." ha ha. Even the nurses were commenting how they had never seen someone need so much anesthesia (especially someone my size). It was successful though. I do remember everything. I laid down on the table like the last two test runs. They told me to be still. Pushed the drugs, I got dizzy, felt the needles go in, gripped the table when they burned the nerves. I remember the burning smell (maybe it was in my head. I'm not sure) and I remember thinking that it hurt but not really caring. I guess that's what the twilight sleep does. You're aware of what is going on but you just don't really care.
So it was over pretty quick. I was REALLY sore for a couple days and I won't see results for a week or two...maybe more. But once the results do show up I will be free from pain. It should take at least 80% away. Possibly 100%. Wouldn't that be AMAZING!!!! It would make getting through everything else SO much easier!!!

Withdrawl.....

So pain pills stink. I've been on them for over a year now. I legitimately need them but that doesn't make me like them any better. I hate just masking a problem rather than taking care of it. What I'm going to do tomorrow will hopefully be a new beginning for me and my whole family. My doctor had this great plan to slowly wean me off of the pain medicine after my procedures so that I wouldn't have to be in pain while I went through withdrawal. Unfortunately they made a mistake on my prescription and would not fix it so even though my PCP called and my pharmacist called and me chiropractor called, they would still not fix my meds. So basically I'm going cold turkey. It's gonna be rough. The doctors warned me of excessive sweating, vomiting, diarrhea, headaches, shaking, and a lot of pain.
Its brutal and awful but when 2 weeks are over I'll be through the detox and off the pain meds. It will be 2 weeks of hell most likely, but after that I'll be ok.
I know today was pretty bad and the nights always seem a little worse but there is light a the end of the tunnel and it's really close!!! I can't get through anything with faith!

August 30, 2011

I'm going through a very rough time right now but I'm praying that tomorrow will make it better. I get to have the first of my two radio frequency ablation surgeries tomorrow afternoon at 3pm! I'm very excited! They say that sometimes it takes up to 2-4 weeks to work and other times you can get immediate relief. I believe strongly that I will be that person that gets immediate relief.Call it faith cause that's what I do. Faith tells me that this treatment tomorrow is going to work and work wonders! I know it!!!

August 28, 2011

Tonight our dog got bad. For the last 2 weeks he had not been eating. Tonight he could not even get up to go to the bathroom. We had to load him into the van and take him to the 24 hr pet clinic. We waited and waited and they came in and told us that they were confident that he had cancer of the spleen and that he was now bleeding out.

Adam got Scooby when he was a puppy just born. Scooby got him through some rough times. They were best friends, it was his only family out here in Arizona at the time. He really really loved him. This was brutal on him and watching him go through the loss of his best friend was like torture.

The doctor said that it was her recommendation that because of his age and how extremely ill he had become very soon, was that he should be euthanized.
We agreed. We didn't want him to suffer anymore. He had been such a good beautiful dog. They brought him in and gave us a chance to cuddle with him gently and tell him we love him and say goodbye. Then after we had time to say goodbye the doctor came in with her needles of sedation and then the barbiturate shot that basically overdosed him and stop his hear. But he did not feel a thing and it was very peaceful. The last words spoken to him before he died were by his dad and he said "Go Chase those birdies in Heaven boy....." That was his favorite thing to do.

When we told Michael that Scooby went to live with Heavenly Father he said 'he died?" and I said "yes sweetie." and he said "Maybe he is up in the sky with heavenly Father playing on the clouds and chasing birds." Such a sweet spirit he had. He gave me comfort during a very difficult time.

It was peaceful but awful. We had to do it but that doesn't make it any easier.

It did give me a wake up call about my own dog. Since my kids came along but dog ended up living with my mom. I see my dog once a week but when I'm there I'm all about my kids and he barely gets any of my attention. That is going to change right now! My dog got me through the host hellish part of my youth and he is still here whenever I need him, I'm so grateful for the opportunity that I have to show him how much i love him and how much he means to me.

So what I want to leave with everything tonight is: It's NEVER too late........never......

A Trial & a blessing

Every once in awhile you get hit and knocked down. It's what you do after that that determines if, why or how you get back up. Sometimes its physical, sometimes its emotional. I experienced both tonight.

This morning I was helping my son get ready for school. I had his shirt up over his head and he jerked me really hard. I heard a pop and the pain set in. It was awful! I couldn't hold my head up on my own and I could not move without wincing in pain every time. But tonight I had this scout event. For those of you that are reading this and don't know, I'm a Den Leader in the Cub Scout Wolf program. I LOVE it! Best calling ever and I hate when I have to let them down because of my health issues. So here i am.....barely able to hold my own head up and wanting to cry from the pain. I had been to the doctor earlier and she said that it was pretty bad. She thought after examining me that those discs in my neck that are slipping had actually popped out. So I sat in my car for a minute and said a prayer. I prayed and made a deal that if I went in to this pack meeting and did my very best to make this awesome for the boys & their families and I helped serve in every way I could find to serve, that Heavenly Father would take the pain away so I could get through this evening and get a chance to talk to all the parents etc. Then I got out of the car.....and from the first moment that I put the bowl of food down and said my first "hello" it started to effect the pain in a positive way. Then as the night went on I did as much as I could. I mingled and spoke with all the parents of our scouts and I tried to get people plates so they wouldn't need to get up, and I did dishes....just whatever I could do. And by the time I left the party the pain was gone. Just gone. It's amazing how strong the power of prayer is. It was a really amazing testimony builder to me.

At this party I spoke with a good friend of mine whos' father in law is going to be passing away soon. My friend has a son about 10 years old and because that child is a little awkward with social stuff, his grandpa, that lives near by, became his best friend. So now this young man has to watch his best friend die right before his eyes. He is staying home from school and did not even want to come to the scouting event cause he was scared to leave and not be there at the very end. It pained me so badly to see that, and not just because I'm a compassionate person but because I went through the same thing when I was his exact age. My grandmother .....who was my best friend, set up a bed in the living room, slipped in and out of a coma and I was there for it all. I use to ditch school just to be back there so I could read her favorite stories from the Bible or sing her favorite songs. She loved it when i sang to her. Anyways.....my heart is just breaking for this young man. The death of my grandma/best friend shaped me in so many ways and effects who I am to this day. I'm guessing the same will be said for this young man. I want to take his pain away so badly but I know he has to live it. I'm so grateful he has such an incredible mother to get him through it.

Stories like that really put life into perspective. It makes what we are all going through in our individual lives seem so small. Here I complain about having to do treatments that are eventually going to help make me better, when there is a man dying, and a young man falling apart emotionally because of it. It certainly makes me grateful for what I have, and it makes me deal with everything else a little better too.

We all have our trials. None are too big or too small. I wish everyone could use this blog to put some of their stories in. Make it a little forum for women who need support and love of other women.

Faucet Injection #2

Today was my second faucet injection/medial block branch (I think I spelled those right). My husband wanted to take me to the appointment (he took me to the first one) but we couldn't find anyone to babysit the kids and we couldn't take them anywhere cause it fell right during nap time and my youngest is sick. Anyways, I was very blessed cause my visiting teacher and friend was able to take me to my appointment while Adam stayed home with the kids.

I got to see my inst-family in the waiting room. It's so nice to visit with all the people in the waiting room that know exactly what you're going through. There was an older man that has been doing all sorts of spinal treatments for a decade or more. Then there were others who were there for the first time. I actually got to give them advice since this was my second time. It was nice. We would all sit in our chairs with our IVs hooked up and wish each other luck and check on how each other did afterwards. It's amazing to have that support from total strangers from the moment you meet.

This treatment was far more painful than the last. The needles went into a different part of my spine and were also successful! Last week the pain in my back disappeared but my knees and feet still hurt. This week my back still hurts but the pain in my feet and knees went away. So I mark it as a success! They will likely go in and burn the nerves in both areas they treated this week and last.

The doctor told me that last time my tolerance to the pain medicine was amazing to him so this time he doubled + my dose of the twilight medicine. I was totally awake through the whole thing. I was answering questions and talking and i remember everything just fine. It was also very painful. The doctor felt bad but told me he could not believe my tolerance for the medicine. He said that when they actually burn the nerves it will be 10 times more painful than this was so he is putting a note in my file to quadruple the medicine he gives most people. Hopefully that will work! If not I'll just have to live through 20 minutes of hell for 6 months of relief. Absolutely worth it in my opinion.

My little boy looked at my back all bandaged up from the treatment today and kissed it and gave me a big hug and said "mommy....I don't want you to be sick anymore. My kisses can make it all better, can't they? Just like you kiss my owies and make them all better. I don't want you to be sick anymore mommy. Please don't be sick anymore."

Once again....I started balling. It's not fair that my baby has to feel like he has to grow up so quickly. I HATE this disease. I HATE it! I feel so angry sometimes that I am so young and going through this. I try to stay positive but when my baby says things like that and I can't wave that magical mommy wand and make it better for him.....it's not fair. But I HAVE to keep a smile on my face. I HAVE to make this ok for him...for all 3 of them, for my husband, who I know is suffering cause of all this even though he stays so positive.

I am SO determined to be positive and even more than that I am SO determined to beat this! I know that there is no cure, i know that the chemo and the IV treatments are something I will just have to deal with but I can do that. It's the pain.....the pain is what is killing me. The pain is what I can beat! And I WILL! I have to.

My Voice....

I tend to blog on my chemo day cause I'm up all night.

A lot of people have noticed that my voice has gotten more and more groggy. I lose my voice all together regularly. I have so much crap in my throat all the time. I think it's a side effect of the chemo or the pain medicine. I'm not sure. It's one of the most depressing side effects of this whole thing.

Since I was a little girl I LOVED to sing. I was always pretty shy about it. I would sing in church sometimes and I did a couple talent shows and choirs but that's it. I don't have a lot of confidence in many areas but I could sing. I loved it, I was good at it and looking back I really wish I had not been so careless with the talent that God gave me. I wish I had shared it more, but I was so content to sing to my kids. Just being able to sing my babies to sleep, or sing songs in the car as we drive along, dance and sing with them.....it was enough for me. It was fulfilling for me and my kids loved it! They begged me to sing more and more and I would love to sing to them all night. Since this all happened I slowly lost my voice. I had to drop out of my choir at church because I was constantly loosing my voice and couldn't hit the notes that I use to and suddenly I was always off key. Now at bed time when I put my babies to bed we read a story, say our prayers......and then it's time for bed. I can't sing to my kids anymore. It's strenuous and painful and it sounds awful...not exactly comforting lullaby for bedtime.

I tried to do it anyways though. Even though my favorite part of bedtime had become painful, I still tried. I wanted to do that for my babies. It's the best part of bedtime and when I was younger, before kids, I imagined being able to sing my kids to bed every night and for several years I was able to do that but my heart was broken about a week ago. I went to sing Michael to bed and he put his little hand on my mouth and said "no mommy....it's not pretty anymore." and tears right away filled up in my eyes. Kids don't really have sensors. They call it like they see it.

It probably seems stupid to most people but this was my hobby, my talent, and something that I could share with others. This was my favorite way to put my kids to bed each night, and have fun with them during the day and now it's gone...

I hope that it will come back but for now it's gone and I'm heartbroken about it.

I try to stay positive and find silver linings in everything. For this one I'm just going to have to hope and pray it comes back.

August 17, 2011

It's a miracle! I firmly believe that Heavenly Father guides doctors and researchers to find cures and treatments.

I went into the surgery office this afternoon. I met some really great people in the waiting room that had been doing these treatments for years. They helped to put my mind at ease. When you meet people that understand what you're going through it's like finding an instant friend.

They called me back and had me get into a hospital gown (so fashionable. haha) and hooked me up to the IV of fluids. Then they took me back and laid me on what looked like a massage table. The doctor pushed the sedation through the IV and I got a little dizzy but didn't go to sleep. They stuck 5 large needles on the right side of my spine and then 5 on the left side. It was painful but it would have been that much worse had I not had the sedation.
The best part was that i felt relief from the pain almost instantly!

The difference between pain relief from pain pills and true pain relief from this treatment was amazing! I wanted to run and jump but I was pretty loopy so I didn't. haha. I was able to straighten my fingers for the first time in a year! I was able to bend my knees, get out of a car without wanting to cry from the pain. It was incredible! The only bad part was that this was just a test run ... a diagnostic test to see if the radiofrequency ablation would work later on. So after about 5 hours of feeling better than I had in a really long time, the pain started to come back. I am dealing with the pain better though because I know that just around the corner....within a few short months I will be pain and pill free! yeah!!! I'm so excited!!!! Thank God for modern medicine! I will thank my Heavenly Father forever and ever!

I still have to do the chemo once a week and the IV treatments once every 8 weeks but finally i can stop taking the pain medicine.

Miracle!

Aug 16, 2011

I am scared to death!

I have been on pain killers for over a year now because the psoriatic arthritis causes me horrible chronic pain.

My doctor sent me to the Arizona Pain Center. They are planning to do something called a radiofrequency ablation. It's basically going into my spine with a needle and frying the nerves that cause my chronic arthritis pain. Before they can do the radiofrequency ablation they have to do TWO test runs. It's basically the same thing (needle in the back, burning nerves) but it's suppose to just show the doctors what areas the radiofrequency ablation will work on. The pain will only cease for about 5 hours with the first two tests but the actual ablation has a chance to take the pain away for 6 months - 3 years. Depends on the person. If all goes well and it works then after the first two tests run I will schedule the actual surgery. It is outpatient surgery, but it is surgery cause they have to put me in a twilight sleep. The actual surgery should take a good chunk of the pain away after just 2 weeks and then after 4 weeks it will reach its maximum potential. It will then take me 4 more weeks to wean off the pain killers.

I'm really scared because the nurses and the doctor that i spoke with said that this procedure is really painful. I have to do it 3 times. Burning the nerves in my spine... gosh, it does not sound pleasant at all.

I am however going to do it and I'm really excited about it. I HATE being dependant on pain medicine every day. If this works..... gosh it would be a complete miracle!

I will be fasting before the surgery and praying constantly. If anyone is reading this blog I would appreciate some prayers sent my way.

Wish me luck! I'll update the blog with how it goes as soon as I'm up to it.

Aug 14, 2011

Up again tonight....another chemo day.

The title of this blog is "Life is never easy, but it is worth it." It's one of my favorite quotes and I have it featured on a picture of Christ holding his hands out to his sides showing the wounds in his hands. It is such a touching picture. Whenever I think things are difficult I think of how much Christ suffered for me....for all of us and it truly puts things into perspective.

I was at my kids preschool the other day volunteering in the classroom and I just felt like I was living the dream. I have had many dreams in my life but the one that ALWAYS held true and strong was to be a mom. I love being a mom. Getting up in the morning and packing their backpacks, getting them dressed, doing my girls hair, feeding them breakfast. Now I have gotten to add to my dream by taking them to school, doing parent/teacher conferences, and this past thursday I got to volunteer in Emma's classroom. It was just perfect! The days that they don't have school we love to sit in the front room doing puzzles, matching games, board games, and now homework! I am living my dream. I have this sickness that I have to deal with....it's not fun, but I am so blessed! If I can focus on that and see all the blessings that have come into my life because of this illness, and all I have learned...then I can see that it is truly worth it! I hope that anyone reading this can realize the own blessings in their lives.

Aug 10, 2011

My son Michael and his little sister (emma) started pre-school a week or two ago. I went and dropped Emma off and her classmates were thrilled to see her and she jumped right in happy to be there. She is the life of the party and so friendly and social. Then there is Michael who is so shy and a bit awkward. I love his corky little things he does but he can be a bit odd and when he is uncomfortable or nervous he acts out a bit. Pretends to be a panther or growls....things like that.
The last couple of times i've taken him he seemed to be having fun but when I dropped him off today a couple of the kids said "oh no, not him again. why did he have to come." Michaels shoulders slumped over and he looked so sad. It broke my heart into a million pieces. Who knew 3 year olds could be so cruel. I had to remember they were just 3 though. I gave him a huge hug and told him I loved him and how special he was and that he needed to get in there and be friendly and show the other kids just how great he was. When I picked him up he seemed happy so hopefully all is ok.

I know i worry far too much....I'm accused of that quite often by my husband. But that's what moms do right? lol

I just worry so much. All the talk of bullying that goes on in the media these days...especially the cyber bullying. It's so real and seems to be getting so bad and I worry so much for Michael with how awkward he is and how shy. I don't want him to be one of those kids that gets bullied. I wish I could protect my kids from everything bad in the world but all I can do is give them the tools to handle it and send them out there and let them know that home is a soft and safe place to land.

Aug 9, 2011

Hi again,

I'm up pretty late. It's 1:04 in the morning. I did chemo today so I'm sick and tired. Adam is great and comes home early on chemo days so I can sleep. And i do.....usually 4 hours and then I get up and cant get back to sleep so now I'm up all night with not much to do but blog. :-)

Its days like today.....giving myself that shot, filling my body with the chemo drug. Within hours I'm so sick I usually spend most of the day on the floor in the bathroom. My son comes in and asks "mommy whats wrong?" and he brings me a tissue and water and says "here mommy...this will help." It breaks my heart to see him growing up before his time because I'm so sick. Anyways...its days like today that make it hard to keep a positive attitude.

Then someone from church brings in a meal so my family will be fed even if I'm unable to make something for them. And since I'm asleep Adam is able to get one on one time with the kids that he usually wouldn't get. So I have to try and focus on the positive and remember that when i wake up in the morning I will feel tons better. Just have to wait it out and stay positive and remember how grateful i am for the service that people bestow on my family.

Thank you to everyone!

Blessings & Learning....

When I go through a trial I think about what I'm suppose to learn from the experience and I try to focus on the blessings that come with it.

Since I got sick my church has been amazing! Everyday that I do injections or have an IV treatment a family brings us a meal. They also take my kids on playdates regularly so that I can get some rest.

What I had to learn comes hand in hand with the blessings. I am very prideful and it took an enormous amount of humility for me to accept help from other people.

In the beginning, when I was starting to get sick and the tests were all being run I would have random people I hardly knew calling me and saying they felt prompted to call and see how I was doing and every time I would say "I'm fine. I'm great. Nothing is wrong at all. Thanks though." Looking back I realize how selfish that was. I denied those people so many blessings in helping me.

I still have trouble in some areas. People offer to come and clean my house and I have not allowed anyone to come and do that but I let them take my kids for short periods and I let them make me and my family meals. I'm still working on being more humble and accepting help but I am getting much better.

Choosing your attitude.....

When it comes to being sick and having 3 little kids it can be easy to get discouraged. When my kids want so badly to play with me and I'm too sick to get my head out of the toilet or to get out of bed. I use to take them to the zoo and the museum and all sorts of other fun things and now I just don't have the strength or energy. Seeing the look on their faces when I they ask me to do something and I have to say "mommy can't today" it is heartbreaking.

As I said...it can be discouraging. When I dwell on it I could easily become depressed and overwhelmed. I CHOOSE NOT TO! I am choosing my attitude. I am choosing to find the silver lining and be positive. Somedays I have to remind myself but I will keep reminding myself because my kids, my husband and I need that.

Choosing to be positive does not mean that I don't take my moments to lock myself in a bathroom and cry for 5 minutes or scream into a pillow...cause I do all that. Sometimes I even do it on a daily basis. But I take my 5 minutes and then I get up and put a smile on my face.

Health...

Part of me wanting to share my experiences is because of some health problems that I have had to deal with this past year.

About a month after i gave birth to my daughter Hailey I started noticing that I was having a lot of pain when I tried to get up off the floor from playing with my kids. It was painful to lift my kids up and carry them, to walk up and down the stairs etc. I had a difficult time getting out of bed cause of the pain. The fatigue was getting to me as well. I was so tired all the time. I could get as much sleep as I could possibly want or need and still wake up and feel like I had not slept in days. I had zero muscle strength. I knew something was wrong and the pain was getting to be too much to handle.

I went to the doctor....the doctor told me that I was fine and that I just had too many kids too quickly and I was just experiencing depression. I didn't believe it. I KNEW something was wrong with me and no one was listening. I went through 6 doctors and FINALLY found one that listened and drew blood for the first time after nearly 6 months of trying to get a doctor to pay attention. Unfortunately the only thing that came back on my blood work was that I had low white cell count. It's a sign of cancer and with my other symptoms that was what my doctor thought he was looking for. For months and months they did tests and found NOTHING. I was getting really discouraged and the symptoms were just getting worse.

My friend told me about her friend who was experiencing something similar and it was discovered that she had melanoma cancer (which is hard to find) so I went to the dermatologist. They actually did find some cancer but it was small and they removed it all and it was not what was causing my problems. However, it was a huge blessing that it was found cause had it progressed and I would have had full blown cancer. The dermatologist suggested I see a rumatologist regarding arthritis. I was desperate and made an appointment. They ran XRAYs, MRIs, blood work, DEXA scans, etc

FINALLY an answer came! In the MRI they found that nearly every muscle in my body was covered with erosion. The erosion were eating away at my muscle and if it continued I would eventually be without any muscle and basically be paralyzed. It's called PSORIATIC ARTHRITIS. It goes hand in hand with a skin disorder called psoriasis (which I have had since I was a little girl).

Because it took so long to find what was wrong with me my case of this disease was pretty far along and I had to do some extensive treatments.

Currently I am doing a chemo injection shot called Methotrexate once a week and every 8 weeks I do a 3 hour IV treatment called Remicade. Along with these meds I am taking numerous amounts of others. My husband laughs at me when he sees me filling my pill case cause I have so many pills I can hardly close to tops.

The bad news I got recently was that this disease is something that has no cure. I will have to do chemo once a week and IV treatments every 8 weeks indefinitely....or until they find a new treatment or cure. For a year or two I will be doing harsh treatments that make me fairly ill and then they will bring the dose down to more of a maintaining basis.

So that's the health situation....

Family....

Hi! My name is Sarah. I'm starting this blog as somewhat of a journal or therapeutic/creative outlet. Hopefully along the way I will be able to help someone else going through similar experiences to mine and share what I have learned along the route. My other motivation is to show mothers and wives that its ok to be normal. It's ok to want to curl up in a ball and cry once in awhile and it's ok not to be perfect.

I'll start with my family. I have the best job in the world! I'm a mom of 3 beautiful children. I am a bit ambitious and well....i just kept getting pregnant. haha.

I got engaged when I was 19years old. Married when I was 20 years old. Pregnant with my son Michael at 21 years old. Gave birth at 22 years old. Pregnant with my daughter Emma at 23 years old. Gave birth to her and got pregnant again with my daughter Hailey at 24 and now here I am at 25 years old with 3 kids under the age of 4.

Anyone with kids (especially kids this close together in age) can understand that this is the most rewarding and wonderful job in the world while also being the most insanely stressful and frustrating job. But even on my worse days....i would never trade one second! Well...I might trade that horrible tantrum my daughter threw this morning. haha.