The Results Are In!

Well after many weeks of hounding the doctors office I was able to get a call back about my test results. She said that is didn't show anything new. So although I'm not real healthy, they did not find any type of cancer in my scans. So that is great news!!! :-) It's a load off my shoulders.
I want to thank everyone with my deepest gratitude for all the many prayers that have gone out on my behalf and for my family. I can't tell you how much love and support I have felt from everyone over the last couple of weeks. The only thing they did confirm was that the arthritis had spread into my jaw. So now it's in my feet, knees, entire back, neck, hands and jaw. So that was disappointing to know that it's spreading. I went through the flu this past week and was unable to sleep for 4 days cause the pain was so intense. The flu virus settles into the arthritic spots and just attacks them. It hurt SOOOO bad. :-( But I'm recovering now so I'll be alright. Just wanted to let everything know the results and thank everyone for all the prayers. They clearly worked!!! :-)

No news is good news???

I'm sorry I haven't updated everyone on the results of my tests... it's because I don't know anything right now. I'm hoping that no news is good news.

I had the chest scan, blood work and urine test. I haven't heard anything on the results from those tests, but I did go to the dermatologist and my doctor did my head to toe scan to check for any moles that look cancerous. She found 5 that looked like pre-cancer, but she didn't see anything that looked like it was full blown melanoma. She has to cut them all out with a little outpatient surgery because they did look like the pre-cancer moles. If they leave them then it would eventually become melanoma cancer. With the medications I'm on that could happen faster than it would for someone else. So although she didn't feel that it was what would be causing my symptoms, she still wants to get them out pretty quickly so i don't take the chance.

Anyways, that's my only update. Oh and I have been working really hard at gaining some weight and keeping it on. I've managed 8 pounds!! Yeah! It's really hard for me to be happy about gaining weight. I know I needed to, but my brain does not work that way. A woman trying to GAIN weight..... it just feels wrong. haha.

I'll call my doctor on Monday and get some answers from my results.

Once that's all done with then I plan on posting some more uplifting messages. I have one in the works about a really neat class I went to that taught some amazing messages.

My dr appt today....

So I'm trying really hard to keep this updated as I've promised to do!! :-)

I went in to get my IV infusion today and talked to my doctor before I went back to sit in my comfy big recliner and get poked with big needles and IV bags. I actually really love my nurse. It's not as bad as it sounds. It's painful with the needles and it's painful for me to sit in one spot for 3 hours because I get so stiff, but my nurse (Mary---- love you girl!) is so great!!! She gets me all hooked up and then she sits and chats with me for a bit, she props my legs up and gets me pillows and blankets to make sure I'm as comfortable as I can possibly be, she gets me a little portable dvd player so I can watch a movie since I have to sit there for 3 hours. I do get sick sometimes while I'm sitting there. There are times I have to move the movie to the side and throw up in my bowl, or my blood pressure (that they take every 15 minutes) will drop to low, but for the most part I can make it through pretty well. My grandmother was on dialysis for like 15 years before she passed away, and she use to say that it was her little vacation. She got to go sit with her friends and chat for a few hours a couple times a week. I never understood how in the world dialysis could be a little getaway, but she was a mother of 5.....  and as sad as it may be..... I don't mind infusion days. I've been able to go pick out a movie or a good book, and get my comfy clothes on. I look forward to chatting with my nurse and getting a few hours to myself. There is a silver lining to every dark cloud. :)

Ok, so anyways.... I went in for my infusion, met with my doctor and told him what was going on. He actually brought it up first when he say the drastic change in my weight since my last appointment about 5 weeks ago. After he went through a large list of questions and I told him everything going on. He did a quick examination and then told me they couldn't allow me to do the IV infusion because if I did it while I was sick it could make me even more sick. So anyways, they decided to order me a ton of fun tests. I got a couple of them done today, I do another tomorrow morning, and finish them up next week. Once I get those all done, they will be able to get me the results and we can see what's going on.

So there is my update for the day. :-)

Sorry it's been so long.....

So recently I've had a lot of people come up to me and say "I keep checking your blog and there is nothing on there." So I basically have been doing a terrible job keeping my friends and family updated and what's going on with me. I'm really sorry about that. So I'm going to do my best to sum up the last few months in a blog post. :-)

So I actually started to feel pretty good. The pain is always there, but it was lessening. I decided to change my attitude about things. I've always tried to be positive, but truthfully, I was being really positive for everyone except myself. Inside I was pretty depressed and it was starting to eat me up. I was crying every day. I was so tired all the time and I was just starting to feel like I would never feel better and I was letting the negative thoughts take me over. To everyone else though I was doing great and positive and just so amazing. lol. So anyways, I decided to change my attitude and of course it's true what they say, emotions really do affect physical health. I started to feel better and got a ton of energy. I even joined a gym and got a personal trainer! I know right?!?! Are you kidding! My dr was actually really mad at me. She said "I will give you a note to get out of there. Your muscles can not handle a trainer at the gym." haha. So I talked to my trainer and he's being really great. He's working with me on stretching, and building muscle. He takes it easy on me on my bad days and pushes me a little on the good days. They have a great childcare play area. My kids absolutely love it there. It gives me a nice little break where I know they are having a great time together, and I've really been enjoying it and feeling stronger.

Nothing lasts forever though. We can't have the good times without going through the bad, and sometimes we just have to go through the roller coaster of life.

I got really sick a few weeks back. I couldn't keep food or water down for about 7 days straight and I lost 18 pounds in one week. I never really went to the dr other than urgent care to get some fluids. I'm so stubborn and so tired of going to the doctors. So I never really figured out what was wrong with me that week. Slowly I was able to start eating again and things got back to being fairly normal. Then the exhaustion started. I was so tired all the time, the pain started to get bad again. The disease spread into my hands. They got so swollen and stiff that I couldn't even use them and had them bandaged up 24/7. The slightest touch (my kids wanting to hold my hand) made me cry out in pain. That's when the weight problems started. I was eating normally and eating way to late at night and plenty of ice cream. So a normal person should have been gaining weight or at least maintaining and I've always struggled with my weight. I struggle to lose weight. But I couldn't stop losing. There was no reason for it and yet I just couldn't stop. I was dropping like 3 pounds a day. I've lost 40 pounds in 2 months and it doesn't appear to be stopping. At first I was glad to have gotten some of the baby weight off, but that was 20 pounds ago. I haven't been this weight since jr high. My clothes are covered in safety pins trying to hold my pants up and my shirts on my shoulders. That's when I noticed several new moles and some that don't look good. My lympnodes are swollen, my mouth has filled with sores. Probably 15 at one time. Very painful.
If you remember 2 years ago when all this started I saw my dermatologist and they found melanoma cancer in one of my moles on my back. It was early stages and they were able to do a small surgery and remove it all. Then I was warned that with the chemo and IV infusions for the psoriatic arthritis that I was at a huge risk to get the melanoma cancer back and that by the time I had symptoms of it that I would probably be too far gone. The chemo and IV infusions speed up cancer by 100%. A normal person might have stage one cancer for a year and I would be in stage 4 after a month. It was very scary to start the medications with risks like that, but I didn't feel that I had any other choice because of the pain and deterioration of my muscles. I didn't want to be paralyzed either.
So basically this is where I'm at currently. I'm going into my rumatologist tomorrow (thurs) for my IV infusion so I'll talk to my dr then and she'll do blood work to check my white cells and all that. Then I'll make the appointment with my dermatologist so she can look me over head to toe and see if there is anything suspicious.

I'm scared to death of course. I'll post updates as i get them. Thank you to everyone for all your love and support! The meals that everyone brings in to my family on my chemo day have been so helpful and we are so unbelievable grateful to all of you. Those that have offered to clean my house and take me to the doctors appointment and offer child care... it's just been so amazing and so helpful. I have a good friend that lives a couple blocks away that has kids that my kids just adore. She babysits for me for almost every dr appointment, my 3 hour IV infusions, and much more. She is truly amazing and my gratitude knows no bounds.

Thank you to everyone! I love you all so much! Everything is going to be ok. :-) Whatever happens, I am comfortable with it being God's will.

At church on Sunday we had a lesson in Relief Society on a woman's self worth and how we view ourselves. This lesson was taught by a good friend of mine, and I thought she taught it so beautifully and with so much insight. There was great discussion and feedback from the other women in the room and it ended up being an incredible lesson with a great deal of love and spiritual guidance filling the room.

There were some quotes given that I thought were so incredible and a few more that a friend shared with me. She had gathered a few over the years that had meant a lot to her and I found that all the ones that impacted her were ones that impacted me as well. I thought that some of the people that read my blog might enjoy them as well:

"We tend to compare our behind the scenes with others highlight reels."

"The grass is always greener where you water it."

"When you are going through a hard time and it feels like the Lord is not listening/helping, remember that the teacher is always quiet during the test."

"Satan can destroy us with fear and doubt."

"Nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person you are."

"Your happiness will be in direct proportion to your charity."

"Great faith has a short shelf life."

I hope that these quotes have the same positive, thought inspiring impact on each of your lives as it has on mine.

One of the things we talked about in our class was about people's blogs. People are always looking at other peoples blogs and thinking "wow, they look so perfect and everything seems so happy 100% of the time. How do they do it. My life isn't like that....." and that's SO true and it's one of the main reasons that I started this blog. I do have a family blog where I put all the fun activities the family does together and fun pictures of the kids and it makes it look like life is perfect and blissful. Of course that is not an accurate full picture of my life. I do enjoy having that blog to show to people, but it's not the whole story and I don't want other people to feel like they can't measure up. I had to come to accept myself as not being perfect. I had to learn that sharing our trials and imperfections with each other is a way that we can come closer to thee and to each other. None of us are perfect and the people that try overly hard to prove that they are.... they are usually the ones struggling the most. So here I am, putting it all out there not only to help myself, but also to help other people. We all have our own trials and our own struggles and we are all equally important to our Heavenly Father. There is no trial more important than another. That's why the quote "We tend to compare our behind the scenes with others highlight reels" hit so close to home for me. People don't usually share their inner most suffering with other people. We are too embarrassed or feel like we are the only one or feel like we are weak to feel that way. So people don't usually see our behind the scenes. Yet we look at other people's blogs and we hear the stuff they want us to hear and we see perfection. What we don't realize is that those people are only showing us their "highlight reel". I'll be honest.... even though I have this blog that shares some of the behind the scenes... I probably still haven't been brave enough to share some of the back room behind the scenes. There are still some locked doors. haha.

Anyways.... I hope that some of these quotes and some of my personal insight can help to remind others that we are not alone in our feelings. To remind people that it's ok to have bad days, and that we are not alone in our worst moments. Having a break down does not make us horrible people... it makes us 100% human and normal. And if there is anyone out there that claims they don't have those days and those moments.... just laugh on the inside because you know they are totally lying. haha! :-) Have a great day!!! Smile! And remember..... YOU'RE AWESOME!!! :-)

Real Mothers

I got this email from my mom and it made me laugh and cry because it's just soooo true! I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did:

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
they don't have time to
make it.

Real Mothers know that
their kitchen utensils
are probably in the
sandbox .

Real Mothers often have
sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy
kids.

Real Mothers know that
dried play dough
doesn't come out of
carpets.

Real Mothers don't want
to know what
the vacuum just sucked
up.

Real Mothers sometimes
ask 'Why me?'
and get their answer when
a little
voice says, 'Because I
love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a
child's growth
is not measured by height
or years or grade....
It is marked by the
progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother....

The Images of
Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy
can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom
knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My
Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Mom
doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - My
Mother? She's clueless .

18 YEARS OF AGE - That
old woman?!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well,
she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before
we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder
what Mom thinks about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I
could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is
not in the clothes she wears,
the figure that she
carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes,
because that is the
doorway to her heart,
the place where love
resides.
It is the caring that she
lovingly gives,
and the beauty of a woman
with passing years only grows!

"Making Pancakes"

I got this story in an email and I really loved it and wanted to share:

"Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon 's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us... We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make pancakes' for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, 'I love you' can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do. "
Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

I've been heartattacked. :-)

So I was having a really awful day today. Just feeling all around totally worthless and like my kids and husband would be better off without me. I know... I went to a dark place. But it happens. I'm sure I'll get over it.
Anyways.... happier things.
So I'm totally miserable and my kids are all in bed and my husband is out at a scout thing and I'm sweeping the floor when suddenly my doorbell rings over and over and I walk to the door and open it wondering who it might be, and my front door is covered in hearts and there are hearts trailing my walkway and a plate of cookies on my door step. The hearts all said really nice things around how loved I am and how great I am and not to die because I'd just been heart-attacked. I just totally broke down in tears in the front of my house. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy.
But really.... whoever did it.... thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits and how special it made me feel on a day when I didn't think that was possible. Thank you so so much!!! I plan to leave them there for a really long time so that I can smile every time I leave the house and come home.
Thank you thank you!! I have no idea who it was (I did see a couple of bodies running away from my house, but I couldn't tell who it was). So whoever it was.... you have no idea what this act of kindness did for me today. Thank you. I love you!!! Whoever did this.. .I love you so much!

Blackout...

I've been having trouble the last several days. It appears that something else is wrong with me now. Or rather, a possible effect from a treatment I had has gone bad. I had two more of those outpatient surgeries the past couple weeks. They did the epidural injections to help with the pain from the arthritis erosion's that are eating away at my muscle. A few days after the epidural injections I start having these really awful symptoms. For awhile I thought I was just getting the flu, but as the symptoms have gotten worse... that no longer appears to be the case.
It started with head rushes. I would feel these head rushes that would go through my head and make me really dizzy. Then I started getting really bad headaches and my ears started ringing. Then I started getting really sick to my stomach. I was throwing up regularly (on non-chemo days & chemo days) and I was just so sick to my stomach that I could hardly stand up. Then I started getting really weak. I was just so weak all over that standing and walking or moving at all was becoming a huge chore and took so much effort that I was out of breath and clinging to the counter just walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Then the scary stuff started to happen. When a head rush would hit, I started blacking out. Not passing out, but my vision would go black and I would struggle to get get my vision back. It would come back in spots and then it would come all the way. The head rushes started to spread into a numbing tingly rush that goes all the way from my head, down my shoulders and spine and into my arms and hands. When the numb tingling happens I lose all strength in my arms. I was carrying Emma down the stairs and it happened and I dropped her. My arm just gave out. She was fine, it wasn't a long fall or anything, but still.... the chance that I could black out while driving or something. It's really scary.
So this morning I woke up and I was so weak and my head was rushing and the blackouts were happening frequently. My heart and pulse were racing really fast. I could hardly catch my breath and it just wasn't' pretty. So I called my doctor and they of course fit me in right away. I talked to my regular doctor and he called the doctor that performed my epidural procedure. Then that doctor decided he wanted to see me right away. I guess there is chance of something not being sterile and getting a blood infection, or maybe they did something wrong and bruised the spinal cord. I dunno. There are different possibilities.
So Adam is on his way home from work and I'm going to head over to that other doctor asap to see if they can figure it out.
I don't want to drive with my kids in the car. That's why I'm waiting till Adam gets home. I don't want to take the chance that I black out while driving.
So anyways, there is my latest update in the drama of my health. :-P
But hey, it could always get worse..... well, maybe I shouldn't say that. I might jinx myself.

Perspective

In Sunday School at church on Sunday we had this really amazing lesson. During part of it a discussion was started about people comparing their lives with another person and how we should never do that because in Heavenly Father's eyes we are ALL important and ALL of our individual struggles are equally important to Him. Someone mentioned that we can never compare with someone elses life because on the outside it can look like they live the charmed life when inside they can be struggling so horribly that we just never know. How many times has someone taken their lives or committed some horrible crime or we've seen a couple divorce and said "I never would have known. They seemed so perfect." or "Its the last person I ever would have suspected of something like that." It happens everyday.
So anyways, as I was sitting in class and listening I started to think to myself how throughout all my health stuff that has come up in the last couple of years that the one thing I hate to hear another person say is "I hate myself for feeling sorry for what I'm going through when I see your life. You put everything into perspective for me. What I'm going through just isn't as important as what you're going through." It truly breaks my heart to hear another person say something like that. Especially when it's a friend. I have always felt so strongly that ALL of our struggles are equally important. What I deal with on a daily basis may seem bad on paper, but what another person struggles with may be something that I could not handle. So as I say that, I do think that sometimes other people can put your life into perspective in a positive way and help us be grateful for what we have. You can see a homeless person and be grateful that you have a home to live in. You could see someone who has lost a child and be grateful for every moment that you have with your children. So although I don't think we should ever feel like we are going through individually is not important... I also think that there can be something positive in putting things into perspective. So here is my moment of perspective:

When I was working at University of Phoenix I worked in the enrollment department. I met all sort of great people throughout the years via phone. I worked for the southeast coast so all the people that I worked with and helped to get their degrees were likely people I might never meet face to face, but that doesn't mean you can't develop a beautiful friendship. It's been 5 years almost since I stopped working there and there are only 2 people that I have kept in touch with. They are both very special to me and one of these lovely ladies has helped to put my life into perspective.
This woman's name is Cathy. I've never met her face to face (although I know we both look forward to the day that we will). We have spent countless hours on the phone together though. It was one of those incidents where we both knew that God brought us together for a reason.
When that phone call came through around 2pm one day we got to talking about before I knew it everyone had left the building and the lights were starting to dim and it was going on 7pm. haha. That's how most of our conversations went. I always knew when one of our conversations were starting that we would be talking for hours on end and I know that we both enjoyed each and every second of our conversations. During that first conversation I found out that she had beat breast cancer and become a spokesperson. She sent me a poster with a picture of her as a spokeswoman for beating breast cancer. I hung it up in my cube and looked at her everyday. To know my friend you have to understand that you could never meet a more positive person. She has a faith in God that is inspiring. She never has a negative thing to say. She accepts everyone for all the good and bad and differences between them all. Her heart and personality is truly one to be admired and one to set your own personal bar to. She has also struggled more than anyone I know. She has been through more with family, loss, health, etc. than anyone else I know and yet still.... still she is SO positive and so filled with faith that all of it happens for a reason. Her nickname is "fireball" and that name fits her like a glove. Nothing keeps this woman down. And that's why I know that what she is going through right now is something that she will get through and someday our dream of meeting each other face to face will come to pass.
I had selfishly gotten caught up with all my own struggles recently, that I didn't even know what she was going through the last few weeks. Not long ago her cancer came back. She has had to under go so many surgeries and chemo and radiation. She had another surgery recently and it got infected. She has had a fever of over 102 and has been so sick. They have had to put her chemo on hold with her being so sick. Can you imagine praying that your fever and infection go away just so that you can continue your chemo/radiation. I mean how bad does that stink? And yet.... the most amazing part of everything is that she still has that fireball attitude. She is still full of faith and prayer. She is grateful for the people around her and she is so positive and still crackin' jokes. She is amazing. She is SO amazing. I just love her so much and she has put my life into perspective. She has taught me so much. She is one of my best friends. We have shared our deepest darkest secrets and fears with one another and right now she really needs as many prayers and positive thoughts sent her way.
So please if you could take a little time during your prayers and add cathy aka fireball to your list. I know that it will bless your life as much as she has blessed mine.
Thank you. Love to everyone. And please everyone remember.... you are ALL important to me and you are all important to our Heavenly Father.