Procedure

I went into the doctor early this morning. They were able to get me in early for the ultrasound. They saw "residual tissue" from the fetus. They thought I had been about 12 weeks along. They were concerned that it had been so long since the miscarriage and worried about infection. They went ahead and put me in another room... since I had driven myself and didn't have anyone with me they were unable to "put me out"... they just numbed the cervical area and gave me a shot of something to relax me. It went pretty quickly. They gave me a few minutes to feel comfortable driving and to stop crying. It seemed so simple and so easy and so routine for everyone around me.... for me.... it was awful. It was the most awful thing to know they were removing the rest of my baby. There aren't' words to express how difficult this morning was. I feel numb and guilty and depressed and sick and yet I know that I should feel grateful and feel blessed and I am those things.... I didn't have to terminate the pregnancy but still.... it's just really hard. Really confusing. It just feels so wrong.
When I got home I couldn't' stop crying no matter how hard I tried, and my sweet baby girl (Emma) came over and gave me a big hug and stroked my hair and kept saying "it's ok momma. it's ok." and I knew that she learned that from me because whenever she is hurt I hold her and stroke her hair and say "it's ok sweet girl, it's ok." Then my sweet boy pushed a chair over to where we keep the tissues and climbed up to get one. 'he brought it over to me and kissed my cheek and wiped my tears with a tissue. Hailey kept smiling at me and came to sit in my lap and cuddle. I have such amazing children. They are so special to me and I am so grateful that they have learned such sweetness. It reminds me that they pick up all our behaviors and that we need to be careful of our bad behaviors cause they will pick that up too.
I know that the baby I lost would have been just as amazing as my current children. Someday I will have the chance to raise him or her and to witness his or her special nature. I will look forward to that day and cherish everyday spent with the children here with me now.