At church on Sunday we had a lesson in Relief Society on a woman's self worth and how we view ourselves. This lesson was taught by a good friend of mine, and I thought she taught it so beautifully and with so much insight. There was great discussion and feedback from the other women in the room and it ended up being an incredible lesson with a great deal of love and spiritual guidance filling the room.

There were some quotes given that I thought were so incredible and a few more that a friend shared with me. She had gathered a few over the years that had meant a lot to her and I found that all the ones that impacted her were ones that impacted me as well. I thought that some of the people that read my blog might enjoy them as well:

"We tend to compare our behind the scenes with others highlight reels."

"The grass is always greener where you water it."

"When you are going through a hard time and it feels like the Lord is not listening/helping, remember that the teacher is always quiet during the test."

"Satan can destroy us with fear and doubt."

"Nothing is a waste of time if it adds to the person you are."

"Your happiness will be in direct proportion to your charity."

"Great faith has a short shelf life."

I hope that these quotes have the same positive, thought inspiring impact on each of your lives as it has on mine.

One of the things we talked about in our class was about people's blogs. People are always looking at other peoples blogs and thinking "wow, they look so perfect and everything seems so happy 100% of the time. How do they do it. My life isn't like that....." and that's SO true and it's one of the main reasons that I started this blog. I do have a family blog where I put all the fun activities the family does together and fun pictures of the kids and it makes it look like life is perfect and blissful. Of course that is not an accurate full picture of my life. I do enjoy having that blog to show to people, but it's not the whole story and I don't want other people to feel like they can't measure up. I had to come to accept myself as not being perfect. I had to learn that sharing our trials and imperfections with each other is a way that we can come closer to thee and to each other. None of us are perfect and the people that try overly hard to prove that they are.... they are usually the ones struggling the most. So here I am, putting it all out there not only to help myself, but also to help other people. We all have our own trials and our own struggles and we are all equally important to our Heavenly Father. There is no trial more important than another. That's why the quote "We tend to compare our behind the scenes with others highlight reels" hit so close to home for me. People don't usually share their inner most suffering with other people. We are too embarrassed or feel like we are the only one or feel like we are weak to feel that way. So people don't usually see our behind the scenes. Yet we look at other people's blogs and we hear the stuff they want us to hear and we see perfection. What we don't realize is that those people are only showing us their "highlight reel". I'll be honest.... even though I have this blog that shares some of the behind the scenes... I probably still haven't been brave enough to share some of the back room behind the scenes. There are still some locked doors. haha.

Anyways.... I hope that some of these quotes and some of my personal insight can help to remind others that we are not alone in our feelings. To remind people that it's ok to have bad days, and that we are not alone in our worst moments. Having a break down does not make us horrible people... it makes us 100% human and normal. And if there is anyone out there that claims they don't have those days and those moments.... just laugh on the inside because you know they are totally lying. haha! :-) Have a great day!!! Smile! And remember..... YOU'RE AWESOME!!! :-)

Real Mothers

I got this email from my mom and it made me laugh and cry because it's just soooo true! I hope everyone enjoys it as much as I did:

Real Mothers don't eat quiche;
they don't have time to
make it.

Real Mothers know that
their kitchen utensils
are probably in the
sandbox .

Real Mothers often have
sticky floors,
filthy ovens and happy
kids.

Real Mothers know that
dried play dough
doesn't come out of
carpets.

Real Mothers don't want
to know what
the vacuum just sucked
up.

Real Mothers sometimes
ask 'Why me?'
and get their answer when
a little
voice says, 'Because I
love you best.'

Real Mothers know that a
child's growth
is not measured by height
or years or grade....
It is marked by the
progression of Mommy to Mom to Mother....

The Images of
Mother

4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy
can do anything!

8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom
knows a lot! A whole lot!

12 YEARS OF AGE - My
Mother doesn't really know quite everything.

14 YEARS OF AGE - Mom
doesn't know that, either.

16 YEARS OF AGE - My
Mother? She's clueless .

18 YEARS OF AGE - That
old woman?!

25 YEARS OF AGE - Well,
she might know a little bit about it!

35 YEARS OF AGE - Before
we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.

45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder
what Mom thinks about it?

65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I
could talk it over with Mom.

The beauty of a woman is
not in the clothes she wears,
the figure that she
carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman
must be seen from in her eyes,
because that is the
doorway to her heart,
the place where love
resides.
It is the caring that she
lovingly gives,
and the beauty of a woman
with passing years only grows!

"Making Pancakes"

I got this story in an email and I really loved it and wanted to share:

"Six year old Brandon decided one Saturday morning to fix his parents pancakes. He found a big bowl and spoon, pulled a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out the heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.
He scooped some of the flour into the bowl with his hands, mixed in most of a cup of milk and added some sugar, leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a few tracks left by his kitten.
Brandon was covered with flour and getting frustrated. He wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but it was getting very bad.
He didn't know what to do next, whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he didn't know how the stove worked! Suddenly he saw his kitten licking from the bowl of mix and reached to push her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but slipped on the eggs, getting his pajamas white and sticky.
And just then he saw Dad standing at the door big crocodile tears welled up in Brandon 's eyes. All he'd wanted to do was something good, but he'd made a terrible mess. He was sure a scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father just watched him.
Then, walking through the mess, he picked up his crying son, hugged him and loved him, getting his own pajamas white and sticky in the process!
That's how God deals with us... We try to do something good in life, but it turns into a mess. Our marriage gets all sticky or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or our health goes sour.
Sometimes we just stand there in tears because we can't think of anything else to do. That's when God picks us up and loves us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets all over Him.
But just because we might mess up, we can't stop trying to 'make pancakes' for God or for others. Sooner or later we'll get it right, and then they'll be glad we tried...
I was thinking and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words needing to be said, sometimes, 'I love you' can heal & bless! Remind every one of your friends that you love them. Even if you think they don't love back, you would be amazed at what those three little words, a smile, and a reminder like this can do. "
Just in case I haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!

I've been heartattacked. :-)

So I was having a really awful day today. Just feeling all around totally worthless and like my kids and husband would be better off without me. I know... I went to a dark place. But it happens. I'm sure I'll get over it.
Anyways.... happier things.
So I'm totally miserable and my kids are all in bed and my husband is out at a scout thing and I'm sweeping the floor when suddenly my doorbell rings over and over and I walk to the door and open it wondering who it might be, and my front door is covered in hearts and there are hearts trailing my walkway and a plate of cookies on my door step. The hearts all said really nice things around how loved I am and how great I am and not to die because I'd just been heart-attacked. I just totally broke down in tears in the front of my house. My neighbors probably think I'm crazy.
But really.... whoever did it.... thank you so much. I can't tell you how much it lifted my spirits and how special it made me feel on a day when I didn't think that was possible. Thank you so so much!!! I plan to leave them there for a really long time so that I can smile every time I leave the house and come home.
Thank you thank you!! I have no idea who it was (I did see a couple of bodies running away from my house, but I couldn't tell who it was). So whoever it was.... you have no idea what this act of kindness did for me today. Thank you. I love you!!! Whoever did this.. .I love you so much!

Blackout...

I've been having trouble the last several days. It appears that something else is wrong with me now. Or rather, a possible effect from a treatment I had has gone bad. I had two more of those outpatient surgeries the past couple weeks. They did the epidural injections to help with the pain from the arthritis erosion's that are eating away at my muscle. A few days after the epidural injections I start having these really awful symptoms. For awhile I thought I was just getting the flu, but as the symptoms have gotten worse... that no longer appears to be the case.
It started with head rushes. I would feel these head rushes that would go through my head and make me really dizzy. Then I started getting really bad headaches and my ears started ringing. Then I started getting really sick to my stomach. I was throwing up regularly (on non-chemo days & chemo days) and I was just so sick to my stomach that I could hardly stand up. Then I started getting really weak. I was just so weak all over that standing and walking or moving at all was becoming a huge chore and took so much effort that I was out of breath and clinging to the counter just walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Then the scary stuff started to happen. When a head rush would hit, I started blacking out. Not passing out, but my vision would go black and I would struggle to get get my vision back. It would come back in spots and then it would come all the way. The head rushes started to spread into a numbing tingly rush that goes all the way from my head, down my shoulders and spine and into my arms and hands. When the numb tingling happens I lose all strength in my arms. I was carrying Emma down the stairs and it happened and I dropped her. My arm just gave out. She was fine, it wasn't a long fall or anything, but still.... the chance that I could black out while driving or something. It's really scary.
So this morning I woke up and I was so weak and my head was rushing and the blackouts were happening frequently. My heart and pulse were racing really fast. I could hardly catch my breath and it just wasn't' pretty. So I called my doctor and they of course fit me in right away. I talked to my regular doctor and he called the doctor that performed my epidural procedure. Then that doctor decided he wanted to see me right away. I guess there is chance of something not being sterile and getting a blood infection, or maybe they did something wrong and bruised the spinal cord. I dunno. There are different possibilities.
So Adam is on his way home from work and I'm going to head over to that other doctor asap to see if they can figure it out.
I don't want to drive with my kids in the car. That's why I'm waiting till Adam gets home. I don't want to take the chance that I black out while driving.
So anyways, there is my latest update in the drama of my health. :-P
But hey, it could always get worse..... well, maybe I shouldn't say that. I might jinx myself.

Perspective

In Sunday School at church on Sunday we had this really amazing lesson. During part of it a discussion was started about people comparing their lives with another person and how we should never do that because in Heavenly Father's eyes we are ALL important and ALL of our individual struggles are equally important to Him. Someone mentioned that we can never compare with someone elses life because on the outside it can look like they live the charmed life when inside they can be struggling so horribly that we just never know. How many times has someone taken their lives or committed some horrible crime or we've seen a couple divorce and said "I never would have known. They seemed so perfect." or "Its the last person I ever would have suspected of something like that." It happens everyday.
So anyways, as I was sitting in class and listening I started to think to myself how throughout all my health stuff that has come up in the last couple of years that the one thing I hate to hear another person say is "I hate myself for feeling sorry for what I'm going through when I see your life. You put everything into perspective for me. What I'm going through just isn't as important as what you're going through." It truly breaks my heart to hear another person say something like that. Especially when it's a friend. I have always felt so strongly that ALL of our struggles are equally important. What I deal with on a daily basis may seem bad on paper, but what another person struggles with may be something that I could not handle. So as I say that, I do think that sometimes other people can put your life into perspective in a positive way and help us be grateful for what we have. You can see a homeless person and be grateful that you have a home to live in. You could see someone who has lost a child and be grateful for every moment that you have with your children. So although I don't think we should ever feel like we are going through individually is not important... I also think that there can be something positive in putting things into perspective. So here is my moment of perspective:

When I was working at University of Phoenix I worked in the enrollment department. I met all sort of great people throughout the years via phone. I worked for the southeast coast so all the people that I worked with and helped to get their degrees were likely people I might never meet face to face, but that doesn't mean you can't develop a beautiful friendship. It's been 5 years almost since I stopped working there and there are only 2 people that I have kept in touch with. They are both very special to me and one of these lovely ladies has helped to put my life into perspective.
This woman's name is Cathy. I've never met her face to face (although I know we both look forward to the day that we will). We have spent countless hours on the phone together though. It was one of those incidents where we both knew that God brought us together for a reason.
When that phone call came through around 2pm one day we got to talking about before I knew it everyone had left the building and the lights were starting to dim and it was going on 7pm. haha. That's how most of our conversations went. I always knew when one of our conversations were starting that we would be talking for hours on end and I know that we both enjoyed each and every second of our conversations. During that first conversation I found out that she had beat breast cancer and become a spokesperson. She sent me a poster with a picture of her as a spokeswoman for beating breast cancer. I hung it up in my cube and looked at her everyday. To know my friend you have to understand that you could never meet a more positive person. She has a faith in God that is inspiring. She never has a negative thing to say. She accepts everyone for all the good and bad and differences between them all. Her heart and personality is truly one to be admired and one to set your own personal bar to. She has also struggled more than anyone I know. She has been through more with family, loss, health, etc. than anyone else I know and yet still.... still she is SO positive and so filled with faith that all of it happens for a reason. Her nickname is "fireball" and that name fits her like a glove. Nothing keeps this woman down. And that's why I know that what she is going through right now is something that she will get through and someday our dream of meeting each other face to face will come to pass.
I had selfishly gotten caught up with all my own struggles recently, that I didn't even know what she was going through the last few weeks. Not long ago her cancer came back. She has had to under go so many surgeries and chemo and radiation. She had another surgery recently and it got infected. She has had a fever of over 102 and has been so sick. They have had to put her chemo on hold with her being so sick. Can you imagine praying that your fever and infection go away just so that you can continue your chemo/radiation. I mean how bad does that stink? And yet.... the most amazing part of everything is that she still has that fireball attitude. She is still full of faith and prayer. She is grateful for the people around her and she is so positive and still crackin' jokes. She is amazing. She is SO amazing. I just love her so much and she has put my life into perspective. She has taught me so much. She is one of my best friends. We have shared our deepest darkest secrets and fears with one another and right now she really needs as many prayers and positive thoughts sent her way.
So please if you could take a little time during your prayers and add cathy aka fireball to your list. I know that it will bless your life as much as she has blessed mine.
Thank you. Love to everyone. And please everyone remember.... you are ALL important to me and you are all important to our Heavenly Father.

Daddy/Daughter Date

Emma is in need of a few new things because she is growing so fast lately. Her church dresses are getting a little short and her shoes are getting too tight. So Adam decided to take this opportunity to take Emma out on a daddy/daughter date. It was so cute! Emma was so excited all day. She asked me to do her nails and her hair so they would be pretty for her date with daddy.
Emma was finishing up her dinner and I was finishing up doing her hair and putting her shoes on. She went over to Adam and said "daddy, is my hair pretty?" and he of course told her how beautiful his little princess is. Then she said "Daddy, are you ready for our date? I'm ready." Then she went around saying "bye guys" to her brother and sister. She gave me a hug and said "mommy, I'm going on my date with daddy now." Then I watched Adam and Emma walk hand in hand out the door with huge gleaming smiles on both their faces.
It was so adorable and sweet. I love that Adam takes the time during this busy time of year to make sure that he still takes the kids out to do one on one things. He took Michael out on Tuesday to his gymnastics and then they spent time together. Emma's special date is tonight and Hailey's will be next week. It's very sweet to see how excited they get to spend their special time with daddy. Of course they love to see him and play with him all together each day when he gets home from work, but this is their special "one on one" time. It's just so cute. It was a bright spot in all this stress lately.
I have a friend that sent me a beautiful card in the mail today. She is a doctor and said that in one of her patients life was changed by her positive thinking in an impossible situation. She truly believed it saved her life. It was a good reminder to read that and to remember how good it can feel to try and stay positive for myself, my family and my friends. Just because everything seems to be falling down around me, that doesn't mean that I can't fight back with a smile and a positive attitude! :-)

First off, I am so sorry that I haven't posted anything recently. It's been a week of ups and downs, but with everyone having done so much praying and fasting for me, I should have posted all those ups and downs to keep everyone updated. Sorry I haven't done that.
My doctor didn't call me back for several days even though I was calling and leaving several messages a day. He still to this day hasn't called me back. However, Adam went in for a doctor appointment of his own and confronted the doctor about everything and the doctor said that the test they did WAS the right ct scan (I'm not sure I believe that... I think he's just trying to cover his own butt). He said that my lungs are clear! Can you believe it!!! A few days before my lungs were covered in masses and now they are clear!!! He said that when an MRI is done that the pictures are taken over a long period of time and because I'm breathing and my chest is going up and down, that several shadows formed on my lungs and it looked like masses. The CT scan however takes several pictures very quickly to get an accurate picture and that shows that my lungs are clear with no masses on them. Thank heavens!!! I just have to hope that's true and that he's not lying. I don't know why he would, but it still bothers me that he never called me back to explain that all to ME and instead violated HIPPA laws and told my husband everything. Oh well. I think that all the fasting and all the prayers were a success. I think that all that faith healed my lungs. It's a miracle! :-) Thank you so much everyone!!!
I do still have some things to deal with. I need to find out how large my pleural effusion is (that's still there). If it's really large I will need to do a surgery to put a chest tube in and then do a few rounds of chemo and radiation. I will continue doing my weekly chemo injections and my monthly IV infusions for now.
The doctor is sending over a request for a pulminologist because I have had a "cold" for 18 months. Plus, I've been coughing up blood daily for several months. With the masses on my lungs gone, there is no explanation for it now.
So there is still plenty to deal with and I don't have all the answers and I haven't been able to ask my doctor any questions directly, I'm just going off what Adam said.
But lets think positive and believe that a miracle has taken place and that the masses on my lungs are gone! woo hoo!!! :-) :-) :-)
I don't believe this miracle would have taken place if it weren't for all the prayers that have taken place on my behalf. Thank you so much to each and every one of you.

Results... kind of....

My nurse from the doctors office called me a few minutes ago and asked me why the CT scan was of my spine and not my lungs. And I said "I have no idea, you guys sent the request for the CT scan over to the office." So my nurse is currently on the phone with the imaging office trying to figure out what happened. From the looks of it the office did the scan on the wrong part of my body and now I will have to go in for another scan and wait for results again. So much for STAT orders. Geez!!! i've been holding my breath for these results for a week and now I have to do it all over again. Unbelievable!!! I mean really.... could one person seriously have this much bad luck.
I'll keep everyone posted. Thank you so much for all the prayers and concerned phone calls and texts and emails. I really do appreciate it and it's given me so much strength and comfort. '

Love you all!!!

THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

I just wanted to post a huge thank you to everyone who has supported me and prayed for me throughout this time. Everyone who has babysat for me, came over with dinner, visit, phone calls and texts if support. And I have to thank all of those that are participating in this weekends fast for me. I had no idea the number of people that were involved in this fast until tonight. It's really nice to know that I have people from all over the world supporting me through this right now.
You're all the best!! Your support and encouragement give me that extra boost of energy I have to keep fighting and smiling on through another day! :-)
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!
I love you all so much!