Wednesday, July 4, 2012

Sorry it's been so long.....

So recently I've had a lot of people come up to me and say "I keep checking your blog and there is nothing on there." So I basically have been doing a terrible job keeping my friends and family updated and what's going on with me. I'm really sorry about that. So I'm going to do my best to sum up the last few months in a blog post. :-)

So I actually started to feel pretty good. The pain is always there, but it was lessening. I decided to change my attitude about things. I've always tried to be positive, but truthfully, I was being really positive for everyone except myself. Inside I was pretty depressed and it was starting to eat me up. I was crying every day. I was so tired all the time and I was just starting to feel like I would never feel better and I was letting the negative thoughts take me over. To everyone else though I was doing great and positive and just so amazing. lol. So anyways, I decided to change my attitude and of course it's true what they say, emotions really do affect physical health. I started to feel better and got a ton of energy. I even joined a gym and got a personal trainer! I know right?!?! Are you kidding! My dr was actually really mad at me. She said "I will give you a note to get out of there. Your muscles can not handle a trainer at the gym." haha. So I talked to my trainer and he's being really great. He's working with me on stretching, and building muscle. He takes it easy on me on my bad days and pushes me a little on the good days. They have a great childcare play area. My kids absolutely love it there. It gives me a nice little break where I know they are having a great time together, and I've really been enjoying it and feeling stronger.

Nothing lasts forever though. We can't have the good times without going through the bad, and sometimes we just have to go through the roller coaster of life.

I got really sick a few weeks back. I couldn't keep food or water down for about 7 days straight and I lost 18 pounds in one week. I never really went to the dr other than urgent care to get some fluids. I'm so stubborn and so tired of going to the doctors. So I never really figured out what was wrong with me that week. Slowly I was able to start eating again and things got back to being fairly normal. Then the exhaustion started. I was so tired all the time, the pain started to get bad again. The disease spread into my hands. They got so swollen and stiff that I couldn't even use them and had them bandaged up 24/7. The slightest touch (my kids wanting to hold my hand) made me cry out in pain. That's when the weight problems started. I was eating normally and eating way to late at night and plenty of ice cream. So a normal person should have been gaining weight or at least maintaining and I've always struggled with my weight. I struggle to lose weight. But I couldn't stop losing. There was no reason for it and yet I just couldn't stop. I was dropping like 3 pounds a day. I've lost 40 pounds in 2 months and it doesn't appear to be stopping. At first I was glad to have gotten some of the baby weight off, but that was 20 pounds ago. I haven't been this weight since jr high. My clothes are covered in safety pins trying to hold my pants up and my shirts on my shoulders. That's when I noticed several new moles and some that don't look good. My lympnodes are swollen, my mouth has filled with sores. Probably 15 at one time. Very painful.
If you remember 2 years ago when all this started I saw my dermatologist and they found melanoma cancer in one of my moles on my back. It was early stages and they were able to do a small surgery and remove it all. Then I was warned that with the chemo and IV infusions for the psoriatic arthritis that I was at a huge risk to get the melanoma cancer back and that by the time I had symptoms of it that I would probably be too far gone. The chemo and IV infusions speed up cancer by 100%. A normal person might have stage one cancer for a year and I would be in stage 4 after a month. It was very scary to start the medications with risks like that, but I didn't feel that I had any other choice because of the pain and deterioration of my muscles. I didn't want to be paralyzed either.
So basically this is where I'm at currently. I'm going into my rumatologist tomorrow (thurs) for my IV infusion so I'll talk to my dr then and she'll do blood work to check my white cells and all that. Then I'll make the appointment with my dermatologist so she can look me over head to toe and see if there is anything suspicious.

I'm scared to death of course. I'll post updates as i get them. Thank you to everyone for all your love and support! The meals that everyone brings in to my family on my chemo day have been so helpful and we are so unbelievable grateful to all of you. Those that have offered to clean my house and take me to the doctors appointment and offer child care... it's just been so amazing and so helpful. I have a good friend that lives a couple blocks away that has kids that my kids just adore. She babysits for me for almost every dr appointment, my 3 hour IV infusions, and much more. She is truly amazing and my gratitude knows no bounds.

Thank you to everyone! I love you all so much! Everything is going to be ok. :-) Whatever happens, I am comfortable with it being God's will.

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