Loss....

I debated on if I wanted to put this on the blog or keep it to myself. I'm still not sure, but this blog has been somewhat of a journal for me and although some of the things I have written have been very personal to me, many people have told me that some of the more personal things I've written have helped them through difficult times in their life. So hopefully writing this all out will be therapeutic and maybe help someone else.

For a couple weeks now I have been sick to my stomach and vomiting throughout the day on and off. I have had sore breasts, weight gain, etc. My weight gain was all in my lower stomach and breasts. I started wearing my maternity pants cause it's all that fit. I didn't know what was going on, but I had an IUD so pregnancy never even entered my head. I had accepted awhile back that I would never be able to have that 4th child that I so desperately wanted.

I was told when I started the chemo and the IV treatments that I could NOT get pregnant while on those meds and because I had erosion's covering my spine, if I were to go off of the treatments the erosion's could take over and I could end up paralyzed before the pregnancy was over. So I accepted that I could never have more children and had moved past it.

This last week I went into the doctor cause Adam said my IUD felt like it had been out of place for awhile and at this point you couldn't deny my stomach. It was fairly clear that I was pregnant.

My doctor did an exam and said that by the feel of where my uterus was in my stomach and the softness of my cervix that she was pretty sure I was probably towards the end of my first trimester.

I was shocked. This meant that I had been doing chemo and IV treatments for weeks while pregnant.

Then I was reminded that I couldn't have more children. I couldn't be pregnant. That's when my doctor told me that it was my chance to take, but that she had been with me through all 3 pregnancies and that the children I currently had needed me and that she truly felt that the best choice was to terminate the pregnancy. I think that those words were probably the most awful most heart wrenching words I had ever heard. The idea of basically killing my child... but my doctor was right. There was about a 60% chance that I could lose my life or be paralyzed and a 80-90% chance that the baby would be still born or severally deformed and unimaginable health problems that would cause the quality of life to be very poor. But still.... having to make the choice to terminate my child's life when I was already so far along... lets just say I cried for days. The pain of this decision was killing me and knowing that there was a child growing inside of me was causing me to become more attached no matter how hard I tried to stay unattached--- I could see my stomach growing and I knew every stage of pregnancy from my last 3, so I knew that my baby could already hear me, and that he or she already had a heart beat. I could already feel those little popping bubbles that is actually the little ones beginning kicks. I was growing very attached very quickly. Adam and I picked out a name for our 4th child long ago so this baby was very real to me. I knew it couldn't end well, but still I was praying for some kind of miracle.

I have been very confused.

Last night before I went to bed (sunday) I started spotting. I didn't know what was happening so I said a prayer that whatever happened that it would be God's will.

When I woke up I was covered in blood. Throughout the day the cramping and the bleeding and the clotting got more intense. I called my doctor and she explained that I was having a miscarriage and to just let nature take it's course and to go in to see her in the next couple of days to see if I need to have a d&c.

By about 2pm it was over. There is still dull cramping, soreness and I'm very weak from all the blood loss and all the crying, but the bleeding has stopped and my baby has gone back to live with Heavenly Father.

It has been very confusing. I'm not sure exactly how to feel. I know that it's for the best. I know that this was God's way of working everything out. In a way it's a blessing. But it's still really hard. I still really wanted to hold that child in my arms and love him or her for all of eternity.

Adam came home right away and was amazing. He let me cry and cry and cry and he just held me. Then he said something that gave me great comfort. He said that in our church we are told that a child has a body and a spirit from the time of conception. That a child that is not able to live out it's life here on Earth was just too perfect to be here and needed to return to Heavenly Father. Also, that one day we will get a chance to raise our children after the second coming of Christ. I thought that was so beautiful and so comforting.

This has still been very difficult and I'm still very sore and drained. Emotionally, I am still confused on how to feel exactly. I just know I'm sad and angry at this disease for preventing me from bringing this child into the world and also I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I was going to have to terminate the pregnancy. I feel guilty for feeling sad that I lost the baby. I don't feel like I have the right to feel sad with the decision I was about to make. It's just a very very confusing time and a very hard time.

I do know that I will be ok. I know that my body will heal from this, that my heart will heal too. I will always hold a place for that little baby in my heart and someday I will be able to hold him or her in my arms and welcome them into the family.

For now I will take comfort in knowing that he or she is in a better place and I will cherish every moment with the children I have here with me now.

A blessing....

Today I was talking to my friend who mentioned what a blessing her patriarchal blessing was and how there were things she didn't understand at the time that now make so much sense. I had not looked at my patriarchal blessing in a long time so I sat down to read it again. I immediately broke down in tears. There were things I read that I felt like I was reading for the first time. Several different paragraphs and different topics had not made a lot of sense before and I just looked them over and now reading through it I can see that I am currently living several of the things it talks about in my blessing.

For those of you reading this and saying "what is a patriarchal blessing?" this is the definition I found on the LDS.org website: "Patriarchal blessings contain personal counsel from the Lord. As a person studies his or her patriarchal blessing and follows the counsel it contains, it will provide guidance, comfort, and protection."

It's so amazing and such a testimony builder for me because I had my blessing when I was 16 or 17 and at the time a lot of it did not register or didn't pertain to my current life (at the time). Now as I read it there were things there that felt like it was a blessing from my Heavenly Father to pertain with the struggles I am currently going through. For those out there that think it was just the man giving me the blessing talking and that it wasn't from my Father in Heaven.... that just can't be true. Only my Father in Heaven could have said those words and known how my life would be 10 years later and the struggles I would be going through at this point in my life and give me guidance and advice on the things that could give me comfort and help. What a testimony builder for me.

I am so grateful to be a part of this amazing religion and I am continually amazed at the blessings that come into my life as a result of my beliefs and my lifestyle. I feel the spirit constantly reassuring me through different experiences in my life and today, the fact that my friend thought to bring it up and I felt prompted to go back and read my own ... those things are not coincidences. I have been struggling with different things lately and to find things in that blessing that I had never noticed before and that gave me SO much comfort... I am just so blessed.

For those of you that have your patriarchal blessings collecting dust somewhere, I encourage you to get them out and read through them. You never know when certain words from your Heavenly Father were meant for what part of your life.

Those moments that make you laugh... kind of...

So today was my chemo day. It's never fun, but for whatever reason I was throwing up a great deal today. I was upstairs putting my kids to bed and folding laundry when a wave of nausea hit me. My toilets plumbing upstairs is having some trouble so I ran down stairs as fast I could to the guest bathroom.

My husband saw me run downstairs and he came running in to make sure I was ok. First off, I hate it when people watch me throw up, but I knew he wanted to help so I didn't say anything. Then question after question comes. "Are you ok honey?" "What can I do?" "Do you want me to hold your hair back?" "Do you need 7up and crackers?" and so on and so on. The questions kept coming and I'm trying me best to answer them through the heaving. After like the 10th question I said "Honey! I love you so much, but if you ask me another question that I have to answer while I'm trying to throw up ...." and then another wave of heaving. haha! Poor guy. He means well, but I was laughing in my head thinking "who sits there and asks questions to a person with vomit flowing out" (sorry for the graphicness, but there is no way to sugar coat what was going on today).

Anyways, I just had to share. It was funny and annoying and i love the guy for trying and being worried about me. lol.

Time Out For Women 2011!

The last few years my mom, aunt, good friend, mother in law and myself have gone to the Time Out For Women (TOFW.com). It's the most wonderful womens conference. So uplifting! The speakers, the music... they are truly inspired.

I love to take notes so that I can look back and remember the feelings that I had that made me laugh, cry, reflect and learn. I thought I would share a few with everyone.

First off, the singers were incredible! Music is always something that has gotten me through difficult times. I got to hear music by Macy Robinson (amazing!) and Hilary Weeks. Hilary Weeks has been my favorite Christian singer for as long as I can remember. She is amazing and the music that she writes is even more amazing. I HIGHLY recommend taking a few minutes to watch her new music video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xyX-I-um5Kk) called Beautiful Heartbreak. All the people featured in the video are real people. I've followed their stories over the years and they are also amazing people if you get the chance to read more about them.

The speakers that we heard were: Laurel Christensen, Brad Wilcox, Mary Ellen Edmunds, Linda Eyre & Shawni Pothier, D. Kelly Ogden, Matt Baldwin and my personal favorite Kris Belcher.

Kris Belcher is a beautiful accomplished humorous woman that has been to hell and back and has come out the other side to share her experiences and teach others what she has learned. If you ever get a chance to hear her speak or read her books PLEASE do it. You won't regret it. When she was 7 months old she was diagnosed with cancer in her retinas. She went through radiation at 7 months old! It saved her sight and her life but many years later (just 8 years ago) the radiation she had gone through as an infant caused more cancer. They had to remove her eye and she completely lost sight in the other. She was on the verge of death and after what she went through she wished she was dead for a long time. Now when she gets up on stage to talk she cracks jokes and then suddenly the spirit just fills the room with her words of inspiration and teaching. I know that we are not suppose to compare out trials with anyone elses but boy... when you hear about the things that she has been through in her life, or the people featured in Hilary Weeks video... it certainly makes my trials feel very small and puts it all into perspective.

So I just jotted down a few things here and there. Some quotes or things that felt important to me. Here are a few of them:
-Do the thing you think you can not do."
-Don't you dare be the one thing standing in your own way.
-Beware of the temptation to retreat from a good thing.
-Jesus chose to become like us, so we could choose to become like him.
-A God that requires nothing of us, makes nothing of us.
-Your children listen. They may not always obey, but they always listen. So be careful what you do and say.
-You're never alone. You may at times abandon Him, but He never abandons us.
-Look for holiness in the imperfect moments.
-Remember who your children really are.
-God must think a lot of you to have sent you a child that is hard to raise and takes extra effort. (I really liked this one. I talk to some people who act like raising kids is so effortless and doesn't know why people complain and I love this quote cause now I can say (or think- cause it would probably be rude to say) "God must not think much of you to have given you such an easy child. Didn't think you could handle anything else." haha!
-Let your children hear you say how much you love the Savior and Heavenly Father.
-You have to look up! That's where He is.
-Focusing on darkness will not get us to the light.

So those are the things I wrote down. If you have never attending a TOFW... go next year! It's worth it!

A new friend....

So it's been FOREVER since I posted to the blog. The spinal epidural procedure they did went well. It has helped the pain a little in my knees and my lower back. It's not a substantial enough change to have changed my life or anything, but every little bit helps. So there is my quick update on my health. Not much has changed. I do have something new that has happened for me though...

So this disease I have typically only effects people with a skin thing called psoriasis and of the percentage with psoriasis, the arthritis only affects about 5%. So very few people suffer with this. I never thought I would ever actually meet someone else with this disease. Then I was at church this past Sunday and my relief society president and friend introduced me to a woman that was new to our ward who has the same psoriatic arthritis that I do! We sat and talked for about 2 1/2 hours. We were instant friends. I could see her becoming a best friend... a life long best friend. The weight that was lifted off my shoulders in having someone to talk to that truly understand every aspect, physical and emotional, of this disease and share what we are going through together as mothers and wives... it was just incredible. It probably seems silly to blog about making a new friend... but the experience was very special to me. Having someone to share all this with that can understand on a level so different than anyone else in my life. It was really cool and continues to be as we get to know each other better.

I am so grateful to all the friends and family that have supported me and cared about me and continue to do so everyday. I have been so blessed with a loving family and loving friends to help me get through this difficult time as I learn to adjust my life to live with this disease for the rest of my life. My future plans have to change, everything takes more preparation, I go to the doctor more in the last year than I have been in my entire life... I want so badly to take my kids to disneyland for the first time this next year and all I can think is "how am I going to walk around that place all day and stand in lines?" It's something I'm honestly not sure I can do, but I have to be able to because I can't let this affect my kids and change the wonderful experiences that they should be able to have as children.

Anyways, those are just some thoughts that have been rolling around in my head the last few days.

Again, I am so grateful to all of you that have been there for me and continue to be there for me. I am so blessed and so lucky.

And to my new friend... you're awesome! I'm feel so lucky that we have come into each others lives when we needed it most! :-)