Loss....

I debated on if I wanted to put this on the blog or keep it to myself. I'm still not sure, but this blog has been somewhat of a journal for me and although some of the things I have written have been very personal to me, many people have told me that some of the more personal things I've written have helped them through difficult times in their life. So hopefully writing this all out will be therapeutic and maybe help someone else.

For a couple weeks now I have been sick to my stomach and vomiting throughout the day on and off. I have had sore breasts, weight gain, etc. My weight gain was all in my lower stomach and breasts. I started wearing my maternity pants cause it's all that fit. I didn't know what was going on, but I had an IUD so pregnancy never even entered my head. I had accepted awhile back that I would never be able to have that 4th child that I so desperately wanted.

I was told when I started the chemo and the IV treatments that I could NOT get pregnant while on those meds and because I had erosion's covering my spine, if I were to go off of the treatments the erosion's could take over and I could end up paralyzed before the pregnancy was over. So I accepted that I could never have more children and had moved past it.

This last week I went into the doctor cause Adam said my IUD felt like it had been out of place for awhile and at this point you couldn't deny my stomach. It was fairly clear that I was pregnant.

My doctor did an exam and said that by the feel of where my uterus was in my stomach and the softness of my cervix that she was pretty sure I was probably towards the end of my first trimester.

I was shocked. This meant that I had been doing chemo and IV treatments for weeks while pregnant.

Then I was reminded that I couldn't have more children. I couldn't be pregnant. That's when my doctor told me that it was my chance to take, but that she had been with me through all 3 pregnancies and that the children I currently had needed me and that she truly felt that the best choice was to terminate the pregnancy. I think that those words were probably the most awful most heart wrenching words I had ever heard. The idea of basically killing my child... but my doctor was right. There was about a 60% chance that I could lose my life or be paralyzed and a 80-90% chance that the baby would be still born or severally deformed and unimaginable health problems that would cause the quality of life to be very poor. But still.... having to make the choice to terminate my child's life when I was already so far along... lets just say I cried for days. The pain of this decision was killing me and knowing that there was a child growing inside of me was causing me to become more attached no matter how hard I tried to stay unattached--- I could see my stomach growing and I knew every stage of pregnancy from my last 3, so I knew that my baby could already hear me, and that he or she already had a heart beat. I could already feel those little popping bubbles that is actually the little ones beginning kicks. I was growing very attached very quickly. Adam and I picked out a name for our 4th child long ago so this baby was very real to me. I knew it couldn't end well, but still I was praying for some kind of miracle.

I have been very confused.

Last night before I went to bed (sunday) I started spotting. I didn't know what was happening so I said a prayer that whatever happened that it would be God's will.

When I woke up I was covered in blood. Throughout the day the cramping and the bleeding and the clotting got more intense. I called my doctor and she explained that I was having a miscarriage and to just let nature take it's course and to go in to see her in the next couple of days to see if I need to have a d&c.

By about 2pm it was over. There is still dull cramping, soreness and I'm very weak from all the blood loss and all the crying, but the bleeding has stopped and my baby has gone back to live with Heavenly Father.

It has been very confusing. I'm not sure exactly how to feel. I know that it's for the best. I know that this was God's way of working everything out. In a way it's a blessing. But it's still really hard. I still really wanted to hold that child in my arms and love him or her for all of eternity.

Adam came home right away and was amazing. He let me cry and cry and cry and he just held me. Then he said something that gave me great comfort. He said that in our church we are told that a child has a body and a spirit from the time of conception. That a child that is not able to live out it's life here on Earth was just too perfect to be here and needed to return to Heavenly Father. Also, that one day we will get a chance to raise our children after the second coming of Christ. I thought that was so beautiful and so comforting.

This has still been very difficult and I'm still very sore and drained. Emotionally, I am still confused on how to feel exactly. I just know I'm sad and angry at this disease for preventing me from bringing this child into the world and also I feel guilty. I feel guilty because I was going to have to terminate the pregnancy. I feel guilty for feeling sad that I lost the baby. I don't feel like I have the right to feel sad with the decision I was about to make. It's just a very very confusing time and a very hard time.

I do know that I will be ok. I know that my body will heal from this, that my heart will heal too. I will always hold a place for that little baby in my heart and someday I will be able to hold him or her in my arms and welcome them into the family.

For now I will take comfort in knowing that he or she is in a better place and I will cherish every moment with the children I have here with me now.