CT Scan...

Well today was my CT scan. A good friend of mine watched all 3 of my kids. She had a house full. She has several of her own kids and she even had a couple of the neighbor kids over. My kids ended up having a wonderful time, but when I was dropping them off it was terrible. I have had so many dr. appts that I have barely seen them this week. Emma went straight in to play, but Hailey and Michael were clinging to me crying and begging me to stay and not leave them. I held it back as much as I could, but then I broke down crying. I don't want to ever leave them. I'm constantly having to leave them at people's houses for all my appointments and I know they enjoy themselves after they calm down, but having to leave them there crying and clawing at the door screaming "mommy! don't go! Mommy, please! I love you!" I just can't handle it. I keep thinking "my God, how will I say goodbye if I really do have to leave this life. How could I ever get through that. How could they." Gosh, I've got to stop thinking like that. My head keeps going there and I keep hoping it's just fear and not God trying to prepare me for what is to come.
So I got to the CT scan office. Dried my tears and headed in. The lady that did the scan was very nice. She put in my IV for the dye (I have so many puncture wounds from IV's, IV infusions, chemo injections, blood work...needles don't bother me at all anymore). She told me to lay still and that the machine would tell me when to hold my breath and all that. So as the dye starts to make it into my system suddenly I got really overheated and my throat started to close. My airway was swelling up or collapsing. I couldn't swallow and I couldn't breathe. I started freaking out and pounding on my chest, but I couldn't scream. The nurse was watching closely from the other room and quickly came in and tried to calm me. She put something into my IV to help with the allergic reaction I was having to the dye and then something to calm me down cause I had tears streaming down my face and I was freaking out. It felt like it took forever, but in reality I'm sure it was really quick. They ended up having to the CT scan without the dye contrast. Hopefully they still get a good image of everything.
She said they will rush the results over to the doctors office and I should hear back from him early this next week. She actually said she had already called my Dr office before I even got off the table. That worried me. You think if it's good news then they wouldn't have to phone the doctor so quickly. But, I'll try and stay positive and not think that way.
I feel really blessed and really loved. I have my entire family near and far doing a fast for me this weekend. Friends from all over the world are fasting for me. Several people at church.... it's just amazing. To think that I have all this faith and love coming my way. I have to think it will be enough to heal me. Or at least give me the strength to fight this and win.
I keep praying they will call and say "sorry, we gave you someone elses results." or "turns out there was just weird shadows on the MRI. Looks all clear now." That's wishful thinking with my symptoms, but it's happened. I firmly believe in Miracles. God provides those all the time. The lame walked, the blind could see. So many miracles that seem impossible. Maybe I'll be blessed with one soon. I sure could use one after all this.