Laugh or Cry?

So I really don't know if I should laugh or cry. Part of me wants to burst into tears and scream at the heavens and the other part of me is just like "are you freaking kidding me!?! Is this actually happening?" Just when I thought it couldn't get worse. My health is in the toilet. Lets be honest. My body is falling apart and the treatments aren't working as well as I would have hoped or as quickly and no one knows why.

The pain is still awful and it's constant. My white cells are still really low. My lymphnodes are still swollen. I'm still tired and weak all the time... but I'm trying to stay vigilant and positive through it all. I'm doing my best to stay on top of the house work, taking care of the kids, taking them to their activities and dr appts. All the normal day to day stuff.

So anyways... I had an MRI done last week to check my spine and make sure it was ok to do the epidural in my thoracic spine to help with the pain. I've had them done before in my lower back and they really helped, so now I'm going to do it in my mid to upper back. I went into my doctor this evening to make sure my MRI was good and I was ready to go. She said "you can get the epidurals, but it looks like your degenerative spine has caused 3 new discs to bulge out of place." That makes a total of 5. Two in my neck and three in my thoracic spine. Then she got really serious and rolled her little chair over to be in front of me and said "there is something else. We saw several large masses on your lungs." Then she started going over my previous labs and asking me questions about my breathing problems and the cough and congestion I have had for over a year now, etc. She then told me that she was faxing my MRI results and a letter with her concerns over to my PCP so that he could refer me out to a pulmonologist and an oncologist. Apparently it looks like I might have lung cancer. The worst part, is that the treatments that I have been on for the psoriatic arthritis fast tracks cancer cells.

So seriously.... do I laugh or do I cry.

I'm trying to hold onto some kind of hope that it might not be cancer. But I keep thinking about the look in the doctor's eyes as she broke the news to me.

I'm really unsure how to feel right now. I feel numb. I keep telling myself "don't believe the worst case scenario until the definitive tests come back."... but that is a whole lot easier to tell yourself then to actually do it.