There's more... seriously.....

So as I'm reviewing my MRI results it turns out that not only do I have the masses on my lungs and the 5 bulging discs, but one of my bulging discs is pushing into my thecal sac (which is the sac where my spinal fluid is located). If it gets punctured then I will be paralyzed. Woo hoo! And if that wasn't enough, they also discovered a great deal of fluid between my lungs and my thoracic spine. To remove it they would have to do surgery and put a chest tube in for several days to drain the fluid, followed by more chemo therapy and radiation. It's called pleural effusion. Really.... is this actually happening. I'm at a total loss for words at this point. I feel like God is saying "geez, woman I'm trying to kill you and tell you it's your time to go and you just keep fighting." lol. I mean my heavens. I have like 5 different reasons that I have to do chemo and 5 different reasons that I could end up dead or paralyzed. I'm just like .... wouldn't one be ok, do I really need all the rest. I have my appointment with the primary care doctor today at 4. I'll put an updated after I talk with him today. I haven't even cried yet..... I'm in such a state of shock that I can't feel anything. I'm so numb. I have laughed hysterically until I had tears streaming down my face, but I haven't really cried yet. I just kind of feel like I'm going crazy. My kids really can't live without me. The amount of time I would have to spend int he hospital, or the possibility that I could die..... they just can't live without me. I can't be without them. I can't even think about this.....