It hasn't been very long since I found out everything that showed up in my MRI. Just a couple days. I couldn't believe the amount of people that showed up on my door step last night with meals, desserts, flowers, things for the kids. The out pour of love and kindness blew me away. I am so grateful to all of you. I do feel a great deal of support from everyone. I worry about telling anyone anything because I don't want anyone to be stressed or sad on my behalf. I tend to bottle it up and try to deal with it on my own.
I still haven't cried... but I'm not laughing anymore either. I think if I start crying I won't be able to stop. I look at my children and their sweet faces and I see how much they love me and need me. They are so young and life has already changed with the arthritis. I'm so tired, weak and in pain all the time. I rarely take them all on outings anymore cause my body just can't handle it. It's hard for me to run around the backyard like I use to. We use to play tag and chase each other. We would tackle each other and do tickle fights and now I just can't. My kids have suffered dearly for this stupid arthritis and now for them to have to watch me suffer through cancer or seeing me in the hospital with a tube hooked up to my chest. I don't know how to do this. Then there is my poor husband. I think he is in shock. Or maybe just trying to pretend it's not happening. My arthritis has effected him a great deal too. I'm not the woman he married and the plans we had for our future and the activities we wanted to do together have changed now. It's not what he signed up for and the amount of guilt I feel every second of every day is unbearable. He has so much on his plate with work and wrestling and school. He is an amazing father and spends all his spare time playing with his kids. And now he is trying to do so much extra housework. The amount of stress he must be feeling. Everyone is worried about me, but I'm worried about him and my kids.
I keep trying to find a silver lining or see what I need to learn from all this. So far I haven't found one. I thought I had enough stuff going on. I do have a large amount of faith that there is a reason for this. Maybe it's just my time to go, or maybe I'll win the fight. I don't know. I do know that I will fight though. I've been fighting for the last 18 months. I'm not stopping now.
I do try and stay positive. I keep telling the people around me that I'm sure everything will be fine and just not to think about it until we know for sure. And all that other positive attitude stuff I should say. But inside I'm scared to death. Inside my heart is breaking.... it's shattering. Even though I have all these people around me that love me and support me.... I still feel so alone. I feel so much guilt and fear and anger and sadness.
As I write all this I felt an overwhelming reminder of something I have been taught my entire life and that I have a true testimony of. Families Can Be Together Forever. My family is eternal. Even if I don't live as long of a life as I would like. Even if I have to leave my husband and my children prematurely... I know that I will see them all again because my family is forever. That gives great comfort to me... but it certainly doesn't mean that I'm ready to close the curtain on this life. I have a lot more living to do and my babies need me and I need them. So I will fight. Whatever is coming my way, I won't let it beat me. I just can't.