My Voice....

I tend to blog on my chemo day cause I'm up all night.

A lot of people have noticed that my voice has gotten more and more groggy. I lose my voice all together regularly. I have so much crap in my throat all the time. I think it's a side effect of the chemo or the pain medicine. I'm not sure. It's one of the most depressing side effects of this whole thing.

Since I was a little girl I LOVED to sing. I was always pretty shy about it. I would sing in church sometimes and I did a couple talent shows and choirs but that's it. I don't have a lot of confidence in many areas but I could sing. I loved it, I was good at it and looking back I really wish I had not been so careless with the talent that God gave me. I wish I had shared it more, but I was so content to sing to my kids. Just being able to sing my babies to sleep, or sing songs in the car as we drive along, dance and sing with them.....it was enough for me. It was fulfilling for me and my kids loved it! They begged me to sing more and more and I would love to sing to them all night. Since this all happened I slowly lost my voice. I had to drop out of my choir at church because I was constantly loosing my voice and couldn't hit the notes that I use to and suddenly I was always off key. Now at bed time when I put my babies to bed we read a story, say our prayers......and then it's time for bed. I can't sing to my kids anymore. It's strenuous and painful and it sounds awful...not exactly comforting lullaby for bedtime.

I tried to do it anyways though. Even though my favorite part of bedtime had become painful, I still tried. I wanted to do that for my babies. It's the best part of bedtime and when I was younger, before kids, I imagined being able to sing my kids to bed every night and for several years I was able to do that but my heart was broken about a week ago. I went to sing Michael to bed and he put his little hand on my mouth and said "no mommy....it's not pretty anymore." and tears right away filled up in my eyes. Kids don't really have sensors. They call it like they see it.

It probably seems stupid to most people but this was my hobby, my talent, and something that I could share with others. This was my favorite way to put my kids to bed each night, and have fun with them during the day and now it's gone...

I hope that it will come back but for now it's gone and I'm heartbroken about it.

I try to stay positive and find silver linings in everything. For this one I'm just going to have to hope and pray it comes back.